What's the Gist Physicist?

time to turn the mood of this blog around. time to turn that frown up side down!

i just received the best how-to-conquer-exam-panic-attack tips from my tutor service.

 good thing they know how to look after their neurotic type A overachieving students :P

I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.....

for the first time in two years I'll be going to see my friend, P on the holidays.

it'll be amazing!

although apparently she is six inches taller than me and has a habit of wearing insanely high heels so we will look an amusing pair :P.

take care

xoxo

Fish Fingers and Custard

good mood today.

weird thing....good moods...very....good

i have my biology exam on friday! final biology exam ever!!!!!

bring it on!

lol,  who would even think of fish fingers and custard?.....

hello again, if anyone is still listening

I'm lonely, and it's so damn pathetic.

i don't know what I'm doing anymore.

"Hello Sweetie ;)"

i have developed an affinity for "Doctor Who?."
I have to say it's pretty brilliant.
Did anyone else cry when River Song married the Doctor?"
oops, spoilers! :P
 it'd be pretty awesome if i could eventually make my own sonic screwdriver.
 my physics class were discussing it, it turned into a full on discussion on the basic principles of sonic thingy-mah-bobs :P.

"I cant let you die, without knowing you are loved, by so many, and so much....and by no one more than me."

is anyone going to miss me when i run?
when i leave it all behind and run to England to study.
is anyone going to care enough to ask me to stay?

take care
xoxo

will the marks always be there to remind me how fucking stupid i was?

on a side not my language seems to be getting worse and worse.....lol....:'(

stupid freaking assessment

i have a SAC in about half an hr...im freaking out and i cant breathe.

ive taken all day to put together my reference sheets but i have no clue what im doing.

stem cells and cloning.

......crap crap crap crap crap. crying and shaking now too....

venting

well guys, its been a while....if anyone still reads my crap anyway....I'm just kind of venting at the moment so forgive me:

its too late to do anything now, so why are you getting mad at me?

its not like you even fucking care.'

 you didn't even notice until someone told you so:

 get.

 over.

 it.

 you have no right to judge me because you have no clue what I've been through

hehe, I Just Needed an Excuse to Show Off my Kitty Cats

My kitties, they loves each-other!

this weekend was actually alright. i caught up with C on Friday night, it was pretty great.

i like how i know that she's been through it all and she gets it.

 i hope she's okay now.

 i worry about her.

i did so much hw this weekend its insane.

probability is a stuuuupid math topic!

i don't really know what else to say.

 i have a clinic appointment tomorrow and i just want to cry.

i also have a doctor's appt there on Wednesday which will be interesting.

i hate this crap!

 I'm so stressed out because of it.

RIP the sufferers of that horrible disaster in Norway.

how stuff like that happens in beyond me. and its seemingly overshadowed by the death of Amy Whinehouse.

although both are sad, Amy is one person.

i miss control, i miss freedom, mostly i miss being able to see E.

 i don't know how I'm going to handle this.

take care

xoxo

Tired and Rambling

saw an epic play today at school. some students from England put it on whilst on some sort of cultural exchange. it was seriously amazing. i wish i was that talented.

my foot hurts. a lot. and i put it down to the weight gain. its horrible.

I'm screwed for my chem test tomorrow, i hate valency and solubility tables. I'm not smart enough, I'm not the best anymore. i never will be again.

i get to catch up with my friend, C, after school tomorrow. which is interesting. it seems my parents have double standards. but it should be nice anyway.

even though i have a massive homework weekend this weekend I'm still excited for it.

i can't wait 'til uni, gosh if i gt in anywhere it will be an amazing feeling. but what does one do if one receives no offers?

school is amazing, but when i come home it takes me less than 10mins t go from absolutely fine, very stable to almost suicidal and crying my eyes out. hmmmm

I'm going to take a shower and go to bed

take care
xoxo

Clothing and Birthday Wishes

today, I'm too emotionally and physically exhausted to blog about my feelings and such, so i decided to blog about clothes that i wish  had the confidence or beauty to wear. first i shall say, happy birthday to my beautiful epic twin E, i don't know what I'd do without you.

i adore Lady Gaga. this dress has been my favorite of hers for a while now. the day i have the courage to wear something like this, i will be amazingly happy.

the shorts are a bit short, maybe if they were longer. or even with skinny jeans. i like this kind of idea although i have no idea why :P

i love this dress, its dainty and sophisticated, quite lovely.

always love a baggy jumper, perhaps not this colour though. although I've always thought my legs needed to be thinner to get away with it

thoughts?

take care
xoxo



Depression (possibly triggering)

I'll be nothing.
I'll end up as a checkout chick forever. i feel like a failure.
 i can only just see my ribs now.... lol its only now i realise how much i still "bone check."
my potassium is low, yet i haven't been doing anything i shouldn't be.
 problem being no one listens to me when i tell them so.
this whole thing is ridiculous because as soon as its over I'm just going to loose the weight again.
 not on purpose, it'll just happen.
 I'm crazy, forgetting things I've just done and shaking permanently.
i cant leave he house and my parents have to chaperon me.
 there have been moments this week that I've actually wanted to die.
 i need to get away from my parents, i would honestly prefer to being hospital than here.
 school will be impossible and that will leave me with no talents, no hobbies,  two or three friends (who i can't see) and an intense feeling of loneliness that i cant shake.

why cant i just have one good run of things in my life....please?

take care
xoxo

haha. welcome back

I'm fat, pathetic, weak, worthless, a freak, broken, lonely, alone, disgusting, gluttonous and selfish

yes, thank you Mr. Voice: i know. i fucking hate you.
please leave me alone

My Brother and My Inability to Measure Up

my brother.

he's an odd one.
he's very smart, very religious, if we weren't related we'd probably maybe perhaps be friends.
 if he didn't live with me.
 i wish we were friends.
 I'm too jealous of him to be his friend :P.
 he's an amazing person, and has helped so many people even at his young age.
 he, however, often does not think very highly of himself.
 its sad.
in so many ways he's everything i wish i was.
he's naturally smart, so he can ace is tests and exams on minimal study.
despite his sometimes low self-esteem, he carries himself with confidence.
 my teachers get disappointed in me when i don't do as well as he did in my exams.
 he manages to get along with my mother, and she adores him.
once i remember he accused me of destroying the family because of my fights with my parents.
 and that hurt me more than anything my parents could ever say.
 I'm slightly disillusioned about him and I'm aware of that.
he's like this allusive form of realistic perfection....if that makes any sense at all.
  i just wish i was more like him.

in the words of one Maria Mena:

"just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy and maybe I'd get there. just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

because I'm never quite good enough.
i live with an all consuming fear that I'll never get anywhere in life.
I'll never study any worthwhile branch of medicine, ill  work in a supermarket forever.
 ill be a failure.
I'll be nothing and I'll die alone.
 i always say I'm cool with dying alone, that if i had a "significant other" of some sort it'd only slow me down. but in reality have a fear of being lonely.
 because in one way or another, I'm always left behind.

anyone else feel like that?

take care
xoxo

Blogger Problems and Rants about Parental Unit

wake. cry eat. cry. shower. sleep. wake. cry. eat. cry. sleep. wake. cry eat. shower cry. Internet. sleep.
gotta love my days these days
ITS E'S BIRTHDAY SOOOOOON!!!!!! OMF SO EXCITED!
 gosh its amazingly awesome!
....I'm running out of epic gift ideas but i think this one will be a good one...
maybe...
i hope!

BLOGGER STILL WON'T LET ME COMMENT!
anyone know how to fix it?

am i missing something?
 arn't people naturally supposed to love their parents.
 i don't feel that draw.
i wish i did, but i find them horrible and bigoted and controlling.
 i feel like my recovery isn't working because of the lack of respect and absence of love for them.
 i don't let them tell me what to do.
 i don't feel like they deserve to "help" me.
i feel like if someone else was "in-charge" even a nurse or medical professional, everything would be so much better.
 but no one listens to me.
 its like I'm a robot, and they can power me down when they want nothing to do with me, and order me around when they feel like they should do something.

sorry for ranting
take care
xoxo

Just Venting....Worthlessness

well this is crap. my parents hate me and this forced "recovery" does not seem to be working.
 i didn't think it was possible to hate myself more than i did before, but apparently it is.
 I'm constantly fighting the urge to throw up.
 this is something i haven't had to do for years.
eating hurts like hell and I'm miserable.
my parents are taking this as an excuse to control me.
 no one at the clinic ever asked me how I'm going so i can only assume that they, too, don't care.
 I'm honestly scared that i will resort to something stupid.
 I'm scared I'll hurt myself, because now every moment of every day I'm truly reminded of how much my parents hate me.
I'm scared the voice will come back....please leave me alone.

I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to complete my homework.
 this whole thing is ruining my life and i just want it to go away.

why does no one listen o me? am i really that worthless.
yes, yes i am.

take care
xoxo

hmmm, what's the point of a title? :P

had an amazing time with E yesterday.
 we lay siege upon the plaza and bought DISNEY MOVIES!
yes we are that epic. 
 and i got a hair-cut FINALLY!
"dishonour, dishonour on your whole family,dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!"
it was great to catch up.
 excited for our upcoming photo shoot -and- it's E's birthday very soon.
 hehe *bounces*

i hope things are working out like they seem.

 you know the times you want to say something, or to bring up something, but have no idea how.
i hate that!
 sometimes it's just so frustrating you almost want to scream.

i have to go to the clinic tomorrow.
i don't need this crap right now. its just in the way and has rocketed my stress levels (ha! who knew that was possible?!)
then i have to stay in the city with my parents...ick, cant i just come home on  a bus or something?
 i don't want to spend more time with them then i have to.

E has got to be the most amazing person ever, to deal with all my crazy crap and still stick around

"you lied to me?! and what are you? a sheep?!"

take care
xoxo

Helpless

don't you just hate that helpless feeling?
 like you'd do anything to make it better, if you only knew how.
you flounder in your head trying to find something, related or not, to say. But then you come up with something so totally idiotic.
 maybe its just me.

R has to go home on Friday, so her last day of school is tomorrow.
poor thing, her mother is ill.
she was in my physics class today, it was pretty great.
i hope she'll be okay when she gets home.

I'm so exhausted its ridiculous.
 i feel nauseated all the time, and like I'm going to pass out.
i just want holidays to come so i can go home and cry in peace.
 I'm so over this whole thing.

to add to this i feel very, very large.
 like I'm in the way. all. the. time. its disgusting.
oh, its okay useless doctor people, you can postpone my appointments to whatever day you like.
its not like i have a life.
or any freaking plans. (footnote: the plans i did have were canceled but that's not the point!)
they need to know not to mess with me, and start being considerate.
 I'm such a bitch but i just don't like them.

take care
xoxo

I am Sodium Acetate

because once i was holding more than i could handle, the addition of one tiny little thing caused all hell to break lose.
(i am aware that sodium acetate merely produces heat and becomes solid :P)

 i have been entered into a treatment program at the clinic that requires i miss, for a start, two days of school next week.
none of this "treatment" crap is going to work because I'm so damn stressed out about the amount of school I'm missing.
i will fail.
 seriously, I'm almost constantly shaking and feeling like I'm about to burst into tears.
 i feel like no one really understands and the doctors just think I'm a little bitch.
 i also find it ironic that the fast majority of the doctors at the clinic appear quite underweight.

on a happier note, R is over as an exchange student from Indonesia for 6 weeks and she is absolutely adorable.
shes so bubbly all the time and our little indo-glish chats with R, myself and M have everyone looking at us a though we are insane.
also, i was wrong, the Malaysia kids don't leave until this Sunday.
 anyway, yeah, R seems to brighten up my day and always seems disappointed when M (who she is staying with and thus whose class she goes to) doesn't have classes with me :)

so thankyou, R :)

i wish E would see how wonderful and amazing she is.
 I've never known someone so deserving of happiness and well being, who just doesn't seem to have it.
its not fair.

take care all
xoxo

This or Nothing? That is the Question

i have to return to the clinic later today.
 I'm so scared i think I'm going to be sick.
i also wasn't allowed to go to school this morning because mum thinks I'm going to pass out down the stairs or something *rolls eyes*

my friends and teacher are going to Malaysia today...
i with i was going with them.
 I'm supposed to be.
 but me, being possibly the biggest idiot on he planet, got myself into this situation, didn't i?

(8) this feels better, than nothing at all (8)
does it really?

I've also decided recently i don't believe in love.
 not the romantic true love kind anyway.
 it just never seems to work out between two people. with 2/3 marriages ending in divorce, whats really the point in the first place?
 love always ends up hurting -someone-.
 its absolutely ridiculous!
 therefore would it just be easier to grow old and die alone?
just not get involved in this twisted institution in the first place?
 probably.

take care
xoxo

Absolutley Worthless

spent most of today on the verge of tears, thinking about how badly i did yesterday....its not very effective when you have to go face biology again first thing in the morning.
to top it all off we began to watch "look both ways" in English.
I'm now glad of two things:
a) my nails are incredibly broken and chipped
b) we only watched about a half hour

or the marks on the back of my hand may have been slightly more difficult to explain.
its been a fair while since I've done that.
 I'm not proud of it, at all.
i think its just all getting to me, though. all at once.
 I'll be the first to admit this is all a bit much really. i know there are people out there who go through so much, and it makes me feel weak to admit it, but it is.

today I've been thinking about how average i am.
below average really, because of my defective body.
 there is nothing remarkable about me.
 nothing people will remember after I'm out of their sight.
 I'm not pretty, or talented.
I'm not witty or entertaining.
 or even that quiet and intriguing soul in the corner of the room
. I'm not smart, although i try to be.

 i am average and therefore, i sometimes believe, i am nothing.

Who the Hell Wants to be Average?

i failed.

I'm defective.

 i fucking failed.

I'm never good enough.

no matter how hard i try it doesn't make a difference.

 i fail.

on a lighter note
" i will continue to wear no pants, even on television, so my grandmother can see me."

well.....

I don't know what I'm doing. i think i know all i need to know for the exam...
but I'm feeling guilty for not constantly studying. my EXAM IS TOMORROW for gods sake. 
shout out to Douchy's biology podcasts for keeping me sane.
 i hope i do okay.
 A grade here i come....i hope.

"glucose, oh sugar sugar, you help me make ATP, when my predators are chasing me" 

when i started writing this, a few hours ago, i was quietly confidant that i was going to do well....
now I'm in tears because iv realised there is absolutely no way I can ever do this.
ever.
 I'm just going to fail....

G-Protein Coupled Transduction

pleasantly surprised when i opened my biology book this morning and realised...
i know more than i thought did.
I've been studying for about 3 hours now so I'm taking a break like a good little nerd. i also just got some coffee with my father....awkwardness.
 back to study soon.
 i might not screw up this exam as badly as i thought i would but i still think i wont do too good.
more than anything i want this exam to be over.
please don't ask me how i went because i just don't want to think about it.

i think I'm infectious, dangerous even.
 one of my friends, B, started crying yesterday because she was so stressed about exams.
 she's never done that before.
maybe its my fault.
 i think i stress them out too much.
maybe i should just leave them be?
and continue my nerdyness in the study rooms by myself every day like i used to?

a more pressing issue is:
I'm worried about E.
she doesn't seem to realise how amazing and beautiful she is.
i know she can beat anything she's confronted with
....now how do i convince her of that?

and i shall leave you with the thing that's going around in my head at the moment:
when a hormone comes into contact with a G-Protein coupled receptor it causes:

• the receptor to change shape
• following this the G protein down the bottom of the receptor (Made of 3 sections of protein) changes shape, causing the expulsion of a substance called guanine di-phosphate and  guanine tri phosphate rushes in causing the alpha protein to change shape and detach
• the alpha protein moves along the membrane and attaches to another protein known as adenylyl cyclase.
• the alpha protein and GTP then act as an enzyme converting thousand of ATP (high energy molecules) into cAMP which then acts as a 2nd messenger.

yes i am well aware that probably means nothing to you all :P

take care
xoxo

Eating Exams

I've started really freaking out about my real exam on Tuesday.
there is no second chances for this one, if i screw it up i cant just shrug it of and say that it didn't matter...because it does.
but of course I'm going to screw it up, simply because I'm an idiot and can never get anything right.
what if i screw it up?
what will i then?
 on a side note i hope no one talks about the exam after...
i may have to steer clear of facebook for a while.

blogger wont let me comment on blogs. stupid blogger. i feel bad now

its so hard to balance eating with this stress I'm feeling now.
 there is no time to waste on eating.
because if i waste time eating i will fail my exam....which I'm probably going to do anyway.
 i think these are going to be a pretty horrible 5 days. 
i don't even know what I'm doing.
every time i think about Tuesday i feel like i want to cry.
 its horrible.
 i hate it.
 i hate this uncertainty.
 i don't know if I'm going to go well....or if I'm going to completely fail.
 it all depends on whats on the exam.

 i need to stop talking about this.

I'm going to go and try to calm down now....

take care
xoxo

AWKWARD

had an amazingly awkward meeting with my teacher's today.
it has been decided that I'm only doing 4 subjects next year: physics, chemistry, English and methods.
 also, i don't have to do end of year exams for my year 11 subjects :)
apparently they've never had to have a meeting with a student to tell them to cool it with the study.
also it has been agreed i need a hobby.
given i have no talents, any ideas?

have a biology assessment tomorrow I'm not nearly ready for. ah well.

i has a purple teddy bear.

why did they all look so shocked when i told them i didn't want to die?

why do they want to take all my control away?

its been a while but here's another one:
a man walks up to a woman and says: "i wish i was DNA Helicase so i could unzip your jeans"
....apparently geeks -do- have pickup lines :P

take care
xoxo

Exams are Looming

had my math tech free this morning.
I'm kinda proud of myself.
 i think i did quite well :).
 i went home after English to study but that didn't work because i suddenly got very ill.
I'm telling you now: throwing up everywhere when your parents are convinced you have an eating disorder is not cool.
i feel better now which just makes it worse...wow its awkward :P

have my English exam tomorrow, screw English.
 I'm very good at writing a 150 word introduction in the space of 5 lines...very tiny writing :P
 i have only a tentative grasp on what I'm saying right now.
i want to go back so sleeeep.

meeting with teachers was postponed until next Monday, directly before my last exam, chemistry.
wish me luck, I'm really very frightened.
I'm finally starting to admit i don't have everything quite as together as i thought, and now i have to tell other people,.
but i don't want them to think less of me...

on more exciting news EEEEEE is home!!!!...which makes little difference to me as i would see her anyway but it makes her happy which is absolutely insurmountably EPIC =D.

ujian mengimbulkan stres

did some -intense- maths and physics cramming today.
 sill more to go but i think I'll be alright.
 I'm more worried about the meeting between my mother and my year 12 teachers tomorrow...
i don't know whats going to happen and i don't like that.

thinking about forensic science now as a possible career.
 i mean, id get to play with some pretty great toys, but it'd get pretty sad at times. i just want vce to be over.
more than anything else, i just want to get my university offer and know everything will be okay.

year 11 exams will be over soon and I'll have 7 days o focus on my year 12 biology midterm.
i should be alright i think
....i hope

lol well this was an entry full of random crap but anyhoo

take care
xoxo

Exams and Awkward

I caught up with an old friend today, L.
we studied for a bit but it was really good just to catch up, and forget about everything for a bit.
 she really is a beautiful person, and so passionate about animal conservation.
i expected it to be so awkward cause we haven't seen each other in over a year, but it was nice.

so stressed about exams.
 i have my first math one on Wednesday and haven't studied at all.
i then have my math and physics exams on Friday, again minimal study done.
ah well, year 11 doesn't matter, only biology this semester.

i hate it when people tell me i shouldn't stress so much and that i should calm down.
its not like I'm doing any of this on purpose you idiots!
 if i could calm down, trust me, i would.

W, I'm worried about you, please be okay.
 please don't be like me.
 you don't deserve the pain your in.

my mother and teachers are getting together to talk on Monday....
oh god it will be awkward.
 i don't want to do this.
 but hey, maybe i wont have to do my year 11 exams =D
....maybe

take care
xoxo

Re-diagnosis.. :\

went to clinic on Thursday...i feel like someone has taken a hammer to my life.
i was diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) which has "friends" Generalised Anxiety Disorder and depression.
 in other words, I'm totally screwed up.
 I'm so scared.
 i took today off because i just couldn't handle going to school.
 that is not like me at all.

i honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore...i freak out even thinking about going back to school because mum told my teachers today.
 I've failed.
all I've wanted my whole life is to be normal.

to be perfect.

 to be worthy of love.

all my effort will count for nothing now.

slept all day today...i was supposed to study.
shows how useless i am i guess. i just want everything to stop. 
i don't want to have any responsibility anymore, i don't want any pressure.
i just want to sort out who i am, and how to fix this...but i don't want to turn 18 -before- i finish year 12.
 i really cant do anything right.

take care
xoxo

Irony

my hands are shaking and blue.

 but I'm not cold.

my heart cant decide if it wants to go too fast or too slow.

i feel like I'm going to throw up.

my body feels weak.

 i cant quite get enough air in.

 maybe today's the day everything gives up....

well that would be ironic now wouldn't it?...

Worthless!

too much. too much. too much.
  i have my practise exams tomorrow and i haven't even looked at Indonesian...
crap, mustn't forget indo dictionaries. also i have to go to clinic on Tuesday.
 I've moved all my indo exams so they're in the first 3 days of exams.
 following that i shall have an entire week devoted to biol study.

I'm going to break....I'm exhausted, and i have no right to complain..i cant do this. I'm an insecure, sad, defective, broken little girl who will never amount to anything.

GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP MESSING EVERYTHING UP!!!!!!
take care
xoxo

Untitled

hehe. TinTin is funny.

i can still study med =D!
i can get into a bachelor of science with a relatively lower atar of 85.05. so far my course for next year is looking as follows:
Legal Studies
Biology
Chemistry
Methods (math)
English

i got a call from an old friend today.
as awkward as it was she made me smile...someone else remembers me.
 someone who doesn't know how messed up i am, so she wont treat me weird.
 I've kind of missed her... just didn't want to drag her down with me.
anyway, she is lovely and gave me the online password for her schools biology notes
....I'm pretty sure she just saved my life.

I'm about to eat noodles...
i don't want to eat these noodles....
i've already had ice cream today. but i must eat these noodles....
because food is necessary...and because i need to have energy for my exams. noodles...
simply carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen plus other elements.
did you know that noodles absorb water via osmosis as the external solution of the noodles is hypotonic to the noodles themselves.

i have my practise biol exam Monday and am kind of freaking out.....
hopefully L's notes will help me.

people look at you strangely when your sitting in a lecture theatre, talking to yourself in Indonesian....

take care
xoxo

om nom nom leg

Don't be a Drag, Just be a Queen

burst into tears in indo today.
 i was just so completely consumed by stress i couldn't handle it any more.
 I'm such a looser.
seriously, who does that?!
 had the listening pat of the indo exam in that class...i think i passed...maybe a C?
 also had biol sac...ick, don't even wanna talk about it.
 i was so emotionally and mentally drained by the end of the day

(8) we'll never get too far, just you, me and the bar

yeah my life is pretty much the same: school, stress, breakdown, i hate my life.
today i was told to "calm your farm", "stress less", that "there is more to life than school"
 hello people; if i could stress less i would...I'm thinking of getting meds.
i cant function like this anymore.
also i have no life, so no, there is no more to life than school.

lol
me: " so do i get a 40hr famine book"
brother: "only if you don't go without food"
me: *blinks*

(8) i just want to be myself and i want you to love, me for who i am 

I'm going without indoors for the famine. so yes, i shall freeze to death :P
but hey, its worth it t get the word out there. we who can, need to help those who can't.  for more info f you want to join or anything:

www.40hourfamine.com

take care
xoxo

Enter the Drama Llama

Looks like I'm doing biology again next year.
seriously, if i get under a study score of 40 i blame the teacher.
 it would be totally awkward if i got him again though....
i am not alone in thinking my teacher fails. 
last night i was at a study group and the most commended science teacher in the school joined in our little bitch session, even calling him a wanker...hmmm.

my mother need to stop pulling out the drama llama every time i turn down a meal.
seriously, i didn't get home until 8pm, i was exhausted and just could not be bothered
....poor drama llama

see! drama llama does not want to be disturbed!

i have the listening part of my indo practise exam and a biol SAC today....oh joy.....

i just want everything to stop for a while.

i want to go away. to not have any responsibility.

to be able to cry when i want to and to not get out of bed. i don't want to die...i don't think...i just want everything to stop.

we had to talk about eating disorders in English because that's what we were doing our article analysis on....

i felt like i wanted to kill someone. how can people be so mean and ignorant?

please...why cant everything just stop?

 i cant handle it anymore....

just let me go?

I'm Just That Talented at Screwing Myself Over

why do i mess everything up so badly?
 i have my midyear exam (the one that actually counts towards my final score) just around the corner but before then i have the stupid freaking clinic appointment.
 i wont be able to handle it if they don't let me go home.
 I'll probably just start throwing stuff.

E was thinking about possible misunderstandings of suicide....which does scare me muchly.
However, these are my thoughts on the subject:
one doesn't want to live anymore, because one doesn't see the way out of whatever cycle or pressure cooker one may find one's self in.
one decides that the pain they are going through, outweighs any good that might be n the way, or already be there.
one believes they are truly not important enough fr people to miss them.....or thinks that this will fly in the face of the people that have hurt them.
one leaves behind a bunch of people, some of which blame themselves and spend the rest of their lives wondering what they could have done.
wondering why  the other person didn't love them enough to stick around.
wondering why they deserve to live when it's their fault the other person is dead.
 there will always be someone who thinks that.
 is that one a misunderstanding?
or is it true?

take care
xoxo

I Wish I Were a Kitty

OH MY FISH I'M SO STRESSED!
I'm sitting here in tears, with bruises on my hands from holding my pen too tight then punching a wall...again.
 i have a research essay to write on Friday, i have to create 10 research sheets and i just cant seem to get the right research.
 plus i have my prac exam next Monday and my real exam that actually counts to my final score is looming.
 i cant do this...
I'm not good enough...
never good enough.
 never fucking good enough.

i have a clinic appointment on Tuesday. it makes me want to die.
oh wow..extreme stress with school and what appears to be depression + panic attacks. 
 oh shut up T, you have nothing to complain about.
 just stop it!
seriously, you are possibly the weakest, most untalented, most average and selfish person ever.
your probably now thinking: "who is this crazy bitch, talking to herself on her blog"
...if you find out please tell me, I'd like to know...

take care
xoxo

Scrubs and Roses

thinking nursing might be a good career option for me.
the score needed to get in to the course is much lower.
 plus, i was thinking how much i hate all my doctors, but my nurses were like....the mothers i always wanted.
 they make you feel better and they make you laugh.
 most doctors, they just don't care.
at least mine don't. my parents think I'm being an idiot, that i should be a doctor instead.
who cares what they think really?
 also, i could get a bachelor of Indonesian Language at the same time. a bi-lingual nurse.
epic much?

romantic relationships confuse me.
 i kind of just don't understand how you could be so...venerable with someone i guess.
and with that obligation to tell them almost anything...just odd.

I've been Internet stalking the eating disorders clinic.
i don't like them...the doctors in there.
they just seem so...disconnected.

did almost all my bio worksheets today.
my hand hurts!

been so tired today.
i actually passed out on my walk today...god that was weird.

6 days until practise exams
18 days until year 11 exams
30 days until actual biol exam----FREAKING OUTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

take care
xoxo

Silver Ribbons

they let me home from the hospital!
which is great because i think i would have died if they didn't.
 i have to go back in a few weeks....for a full day...
which has me wondering what the hell thy want to do to me!
anyone wanna help me out with possibilities? :P


E came over yesterday :D. it was muchly exciting.
 gotta love going to a scary Friday the 13th party looking cute :P.
E was Red Riding Hood and had an epic cute cloak on.
 i, as the wolf, was wearing a fuzzy hat! :P
 i really don't understand underage drinking.
why oh why would you do that to yourself?


i resent being talked to like a child.
its like: excuse me, i don't know if you talk to everyone that way, or just me because i have a disability. either way, could you please stop it before i punch you in the face!
i wish they wouldn't act as though i don't know whats going on, as i also resent being treated as ignorant.


its cold and rainy outside.
which would be great, should it be warm -inside-.
but it's not.
i have to leave in an hour anyway, for my biology class.
i kind of just want to curl up into a ball and sleep, like my kitty cat.

take care
xoxo

I'm Gonna Drink My Tears Tonight, I'm Gonna Drink My Tears and Cry

I've never wanted to die quite as much as i do this very moment.
 after a normal doctors appointment today, i have an ED clinic appointment tomorrow.
 fuck my life, I'm sick of missing school.
 so close to exams.
I'm going to fail.
 if i fail i may as well be dead.
 i cant do anything other than school.


 i  don't think i can do any of this anymore.


take care
xoxo

The Only Thing Better Than a Unicorn is a Gay Unicorn!

lady gaga is epic!
watching her concert, however, with your insanely christian parents in the room is tre awkward :P.
i am apparently going to the "Born This Way Ball" with M, and we're dressing up
!....hmmm, perhaps not <.<
that aside though, cant wait till the album is released =D

still haven't heard back from the clinic people...
urg!
I'm so over this already, why cant it just be done with?!

hoping to return home early today to study for my Indonesian assessment which is on Friday.
 I've already finished all my physics work and English....is English :P.
 this assessment is freaking me out!
its like my brain refuses to compute what is said to me in Indonesian when in a test situation...
not good for my end of year either.

last night our debate team showed up to the school we were supposed to compete at...on the wrong  night!
muchly frustrating due to the fact i wasted an entire night i could have been studying!

i kind of feel like hiding away today, i don't particularly want to talk to anyone, or do anything at all.

take care
xoxo

i feel like giving up

i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever.

i don't want to have to deal with the fact I'm overreacting and paranoid.

 i don't want to have the macabre mental pictures of what i want to do to my body.

i don't want to deal with standing in front of the mirror and see it morph in front of my eyes.

 i don't want the pressure of school.

i don't want to be in pain all the time.

It was much pleasanter at home." thought poor Alice, "when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller and being ordered around by mice and rabbits. And yet - it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life!"


i don't want to fail.

 i don't want to be weak.

i don't want to deal with this guilt.

i want to give up.

 I've given up thinking i can do this myself.

 i don't think i can do it at all

Random mostly food/weight related stuff

lol at being given a time-limit in which to devour a mars bar.
 i haven't had chocolate in quite a while.
 i forgot how rich it was. i think i feel ill....
but i don't know....
i don't trust my body anymore.

i got the biggest leg cramp earlier, i used to get them all the time, i haven't in a while.
 my mother has stolen my painkillers.
at one point it got so bad i was swearing at myself.
 i think my pain tolerance has gone down incredibly, i bitch about it all the time :P

i have my biol class tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited...
god I'm a nerd.
also also also, i get to see E, which is the most exciting :)

oh my fish....i just found out beavers are used in vanilla ice cream. good god kill me.

oh thanks mother, I've officially gone from 99lbs to 105lbs.
 i liked 99, 99 was a nice weight.
not dangerously thin, a nice balance between being nice and easy to walk, and making not (i forgot that word the first time 'round...oooops) my bmi low enough to seriously worry anyone.

 you see, my mother is making me eat what she does. she is obese according to her bmi....
so lady, do you really want to make me miserable?

Jamie's food revolution is making me cry...i actually know now I'm about to be sick. officially vegetarian again, don't give a damn what anyone says. people are disgusting.

we had an English outcome today.....
"death was almost tangible in the room. it twirled her hair between its wispy black fingers, it caressed her face and enveloped her body. death was Josie's friend. One day soon, Chelsea knew now, it would take Josie's pain away."

what's wrong with my eyes?

i actually have no idea what I've even said in this blog post...at all.

exactly how much can you take away, before it all falls apart?

take care
xoxo

*sigh*

hey all
god i sound like my mother....ewwww :P
anyhoo
@Love: thank you...i wish i could believe you but it made me smile when you said that.
@Kitten: you have to say that beautiful, that's what epic twins are for. that aside I'll always love you too

so so so: I've decided that if i don't get into orthotics and prosthetics here, I'm willing to go all the way to the UK if they'll take me there.
 i did some research on the University of Strathclyde, and sadly enough that's the closest prosthetics and orthotics course after here.
 i sent out some enquiries to find out what id have to do to get in, so we'll see how that goes. anyone here from there?
i think its in Glasglow.

talked to a friend, L, today.
 you wouldn't think from knowing her but
 a) she's been through a whole heap and
b) she's really good with the serious stuff, you know, the kind of stuff that you really don't want to tell anyone.
of course my full on melt down in the morning did warrant a sort of explanation i guess.....
she gave me this great idea though: if worst comes to worse i can go inpatient and have my lessons taped for me, and sent/bought in.

a compromise i can strike with my mother could possibly be (this is absolute worst case scenario):
my final year lessons are taped and bought in, leaving me with only two classes to balance with therapy.
 the next year ill return to school, repeating my four other classes from this year and then progressing in 2013 to do the final year subjects I've already planned.
 it almost seems like a better plan than what I've got going at the moment :P

i had a really, really frightening and disturbing dream when i came home from school...
i was going to tell you about it buuuuuut.....
perhaps not the best idea.

i wish i could just take tomorrow off, and pick up the pieces of my brain and body from the floor, warm up my still freezing body, and study for my mock exams.
 which i discovered today are merely 2 or 3 weeks away.....
as i say this i realise i have an English assessment tomorrow,
crap crap crap crap crap.

I'm going to go and hide now....i have to study tomorrow morning

take care
xoxo