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Sunday, 29 May 2011

ujian mengimbulkan stres

did some -intense- maths and physics cramming today.
 sill more to go but i think I'll be alright.
 I'm more worried about the meeting between my mother and my year 12 teachers tomorrow...
i don't know whats going to happen and i don't like that.

thinking about forensic science now as a possible career.
 i mean, id get to play with some pretty great toys, but it'd get pretty sad at times. i just want vce to be over.
more than anything else, i just want to get my university offer and know everything will be okay.

year 11 exams will be over soon and I'll have 7 days o focus on my year 12 biology midterm.
i should be alright i think
....i hope

lol well this was an entry full of random crap but anyhoo

take care
xoxo

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Exams and Awkward

I caught up with an old friend today, L.
we studied for a bit but it was really good just to catch up, and forget about everything for a bit.
 she really is a beautiful person, and so passionate about animal conservation.
i expected it to be so awkward cause we haven't seen each other in over a year, but it was nice.

so stressed about exams.
 i have my first math one on Wednesday and haven't studied at all.
i then have my math and physics exams on Friday, again minimal study done.
ah well, year 11 doesn't matter, only biology this semester.

i hate it when people tell me i shouldn't stress so much and that i should calm down.
its not like I'm doing any of this on purpose you idiots!
 if i could calm down, trust me, i would.

W, I'm worried about you, please be okay.
 please don't be like me.
 you don't deserve the pain your in.

my mother and teachers are getting together to talk on Monday....
oh god it will be awkward.
 i don't want to do this.
 but hey, maybe i wont have to do my year 11 exams =D
....maybe

take care
xoxo

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Re-diagnosis.. :\

went to clinic on Thursday...i feel like someone has taken a hammer to my life.
i was diagnosed with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) which has "friends" Generalised Anxiety Disorder and depression.
 in other words, I'm totally screwed up.
 I'm so scared.
 i took today off because i just couldn't handle going to school.
 that is not like me at all.

i honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore...i freak out even thinking about going back to school because mum told my teachers today.
 I've failed.
all I've wanted my whole life is to be normal.

to be perfect.

 to be worthy of love.

all my effort will count for nothing now.

slept all day today...i was supposed to study.
shows how useless i am i guess. i just want everything to stop. 
i don't want to have any responsibility anymore, i don't want any pressure.
i just want to sort out who i am, and how to fix this...but i don't want to turn 18 -before- i finish year 12.
 i really cant do anything right.

take care
xoxo

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Irony

my hands are shaking and blue.

 but I'm not cold.

my heart cant decide if it wants to go too fast or too slow.

i feel like I'm going to throw up.

my body feels weak.

 i cant quite get enough air in.

 maybe today's the day everything gives up....

well that would be ironic now wouldn't it?...

Worthless!

too much. too much. too much.
  i have my practise exams tomorrow and i haven't even looked at Indonesian...
crap, mustn't forget indo dictionaries. also i have to go to clinic on Tuesday.
 I've moved all my indo exams so they're in the first 3 days of exams.
 following that i shall have an entire week devoted to biol study.

I'm going to break....I'm exhausted, and i have no right to complain..i cant do this. I'm an insecure, sad, defective, broken little girl who will never amount to anything.

GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP MESSING EVERYTHING UP!!!!!!
take care
xoxo

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Untitled


hehe. TinTin is funny.
i can still study med =D!
i can get into a bachelor of science with a relatively lower atar of 85.05. so far my course for next year is looking as follows:
Legal Studies
Biology
Chemistry
Methods (math)
English

i got a call from an old friend today.
as awkward as it was she made me smile...someone else remembers me.
 someone who doesn't know how messed up i am, so she wont treat me weird.
 I've kind of missed her... just didn't want to drag her down with me.
anyway, she is lovely and gave me the online password for her schools biology notes
....I'm pretty sure she just saved my life.

I'm about to eat noodles...
i don't want to eat these noodles....
i've already had ice cream today. but i must eat these noodles....
because food is necessary...and because i need to have energy for my exams. noodles...
simply carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen plus other elements.
did you know that noodles absorb water via osmosis as the external solution of the noodles is hypotonic to the noodles themselves.

i have my practise biol exam Monday and am kind of freaking out.....
hopefully L's notes will help me.

people look at you strangely when your sitting in a lecture theatre, talking to yourself in Indonesian....

take care
xoxo

om nom nom leg

Friday, 20 May 2011

Don't be a Drag, Just be a Queen

burst into tears in indo today.
 i was just so completely consumed by stress i couldn't handle it any more.
 I'm such a looser.
seriously, who does that?!
 had the listening pat of the indo exam in that class...i think i passed...maybe a C?
 also had biol sac...ick, don't even wanna talk about it.
 i was so emotionally and mentally drained by the end of the day

(8) we'll never get too far, just you, me and the bar

yeah my life is pretty much the same: school, stress, breakdown, i hate my life.
today i was told to "calm your farm", "stress less", that "there is more to life than school"
 hello people; if i could stress less i would...I'm thinking of getting meds.
i cant function like this anymore.
also i have no life, so no, there is no more to life than school.

lol
me: " so do i get a 40hr famine book"
brother: "only if you don't go without food"
me: *blinks*

(8) i just want to be myself and i want you to love, me for who i am 

I'm going without indoors for the famine. so yes, i shall freeze to death :P
but hey, its worth it t get the word out there. we who can, need to help those who can't.  for more info f you want to join or anything:

www.40hourfamine.com

take care
xoxo

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Enter the Drama Llama

Looks like I'm doing biology again next year.
seriously, if i get under a study score of 40 i blame the teacher.
 it would be totally awkward if i got him again though....
i am not alone in thinking my teacher fails. 
last night i was at a study group and the most commended science teacher in the school joined in our little bitch session, even calling him a wanker...hmmm.

my mother need to stop pulling out the drama llama every time i turn down a meal.
seriously, i didn't get home until 8pm, i was exhausted and just could not be bothered
....poor drama llama

see! drama llama does not want to be disturbed!

i have the listening part of my indo practise exam and a biol SAC today....oh joy.....

i just want everything to stop for a while.
i want to go away. to not have any responsibility.
to be able to cry when i want to and to not get out of bed. i don't want to die...i don't think...i just want everything to stop.
we had to talk about eating disorders in English because that's what we were doing our article analysis on....
i felt like i wanted to kill someone. how can people be so mean and ignorant?
please...why cant everything just stop?
 i cant handle it anymore....
just let me go?

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

I'm Just That Talented at Screwing Myself Over

why do i mess everything up so badly?
 i have my midyear exam (the one that actually counts towards my final score) just around the corner but before then i have the stupid freaking clinic appointment.
 i wont be able to handle it if they don't let me go home.
 I'll probably just start throwing stuff.

E was thinking about possible misunderstandings of suicide....which does scare me muchly.
However, these are my thoughts on the subject:
one doesn't want to live anymore, because one doesn't see the way out of whatever cycle or pressure cooker one may find one's self in.
one decides that the pain they are going through, outweighs any good that might be n the way, or already be there.
one believes they are truly not important enough fr people to miss them.....or thinks that this will fly in the face of the people that have hurt them.
one leaves behind a bunch of people, some of which blame themselves and spend the rest of their lives wondering what they could have done.
wondering why  the other person didn't love them enough to stick around.
wondering why they deserve to live when it's their fault the other person is dead.
 there will always be someone who thinks that.
 is that one a misunderstanding?
or is it true?

take care
xoxo

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

I Wish I Were a Kitty

OH MY FISH I'M SO STRESSED!
I'm sitting here in tears, with bruises on my hands from holding my pen too tight then punching a wall...again.
 i have a research essay to write on Friday, i have to create 10 research sheets and i just cant seem to get the right research.
 plus i have my prac exam next Monday and my real exam that actually counts to my final score is looming.
 i cant do this...
I'm not good enough...
never good enough.
 never fucking good enough.

i have a clinic appointment on Tuesday. it makes me want to die.
oh wow..extreme stress with school and what appears to be depression + panic attacks. 
 oh shut up T, you have nothing to complain about.
 just stop it!
seriously, you are possibly the weakest, most untalented, most average and selfish person ever.
your probably now thinking: "who is this crazy bitch, talking to herself on her blog"
...if you find out please tell me, I'd like to know...

take care
xoxo

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Scrubs and Roses

thinking nursing might be a good career option for me.
the score needed to get in to the course is much lower.
 plus, i was thinking how much i hate all my doctors, but my nurses were like....the mothers i always wanted.
 they make you feel better and they make you laugh.
 most doctors, they just don't care.
at least mine don't. my parents think I'm being an idiot, that i should be a doctor instead.
who cares what they think really?
 also, i could get a bachelor of Indonesian Language at the same time. a bi-lingual nurse.
epic much?

romantic relationships confuse me.
 i kind of just don't understand how you could be so...venerable with someone i guess.
and with that obligation to tell them almost anything...just odd.

I've been Internet stalking the eating disorders clinic.
i don't like them...the doctors in there.
they just seem so...disconnected.

did almost all my bio worksheets today.
my hand hurts!

been so tired today.
i actually passed out on my walk today...god that was weird.

6 days until practise exams
18 days until year 11 exams
30 days until actual biol exam----FREAKING OUTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

take care
xoxo

Friday, 13 May 2011

Silver Ribbons

they let me home from the hospital!
which is great because i think i would have died if they didn't.
 i have to go back in a few weeks....for a full day...
which has me wondering what the hell thy want to do to me!
anyone wanna help me out with possibilities? :P


E came over yesterday :D. it was muchly exciting.
 gotta love going to a scary Friday the 13th party looking cute :P.
E was Red Riding Hood and had an epic cute cloak on.
 i, as the wolf, was wearing a fuzzy hat! :P
 i really don't understand underage drinking.
why oh why would you do that to yourself?


i resent being talked to like a child.
its like: excuse me, i don't know if you talk to everyone that way, or just me because i have a disability. either way, could you please stop it before i punch you in the face!
i wish they wouldn't act as though i don't know whats going on, as i also resent being treated as ignorant.


its cold and rainy outside.
which would be great, should it be warm -inside-.
but it's not.
i have to leave in an hour anyway, for my biology class.
i kind of just want to curl up into a ball and sleep, like my kitty cat.

take care
xoxo

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

I'm Gonna Drink My Tears Tonight, I'm Gonna Drink My Tears and Cry

I've never wanted to die quite as much as i do this very moment.
 after a normal doctors appointment today, i have an ED clinic appointment tomorrow.
 fuck my life, I'm sick of missing school.
 so close to exams.
I'm going to fail.
 if i fail i may as well be dead.
 i cant do anything other than school.


 i  don't think i can do any of this anymore.


take care
xoxo

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

The Only Thing Better Than a Unicorn is a Gay Unicorn!

lady gaga is epic!
watching her concert, however, with your insanely christian parents in the room is tre awkward :P.
i am apparently going to the "Born This Way Ball" with M, and we're dressing up
!....hmmm, perhaps not <.<
that aside though, cant wait till the album is released =D

still haven't heard back from the clinic people...
urg!
I'm so over this already, why cant it just be done with?!

hoping to return home early today to study for my Indonesian assessment which is on Friday.
 I've already finished all my physics work and English....is English :P.
 this assessment is freaking me out!
its like my brain refuses to compute what is said to me in Indonesian when in a test situation...
not good for my end of year either.

last night our debate team showed up to the school we were supposed to compete at...on the wrong  night!
muchly frustrating due to the fact i wasted an entire night i could have been studying!

i kind of feel like hiding away today, i don't particularly want to talk to anyone, or do anything at all.

take care
xoxo

Saturday, 7 May 2011

i feel like giving up

i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever.

i don't want to have to deal with the fact I'm overreacting and paranoid.

 i don't want to have the macabre mental pictures of what i want to do to my body.

i don't want to deal with standing in front of the mirror and see it morph in front of my eyes.

 i don't want the pressure of school.

i don't want to be in pain all the time.

It was much pleasanter at home." thought poor Alice, "when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller and being ordered around by mice and rabbits. And yet - it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life!"


i don't want to fail.

 i don't want to be weak.

i don't want to deal with this guilt.

i want to give up.

 I've given up thinking i can do this myself.

 i don't think i can do it at all

Friday, 6 May 2011

Random mostly food/weight related stuff

lol at being given a time-limit in which to devour a mars bar.
 i haven't had chocolate in quite a while.
 i forgot how rich it was. i think i feel ill....
but i don't know....
i don't trust my body anymore.

i got the biggest leg cramp earlier, i used to get them all the time, i haven't in a while.
 my mother has stolen my painkillers.
at one point it got so bad i was swearing at myself.
 i think my pain tolerance has gone down incredibly, i bitch about it all the time :P

i have my biol class tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited...
god I'm a nerd.
also also also, i get to see E, which is the most exciting :)

oh my fish....i just found out beavers are used in vanilla ice cream. good god kill me.

oh thanks mother, I've officially gone from 99lbs to 105lbs.
 i liked 99, 99 was a nice weight.
not dangerously thin, a nice balance between being nice and easy to walk, and making not (i forgot that word the first time 'round...oooops) my bmi low enough to seriously worry anyone.

 you see, my mother is making me eat what she does. she is obese according to her bmi....
so lady, do you really want to make me miserable?

Jamie's food revolution is making me cry...i actually know now I'm about to be sick. officially vegetarian again, don't give a damn what anyone says. people are disgusting.

we had an English outcome today.....
"death was almost tangible in the room. it twirled her hair between its wispy black fingers, it caressed her face and enveloped her body. death was Josie's friend. One day soon, Chelsea knew now, it would take Josie's pain away."

what's wrong with my eyes?

i actually have no idea what I've even said in this blog post...at all.

exactly how much can you take away, before it all falls apart?

take care
xoxo

Thursday, 5 May 2011

*sigh*

hey all
god i sound like my mother....ewwww :P
anyhoo
@Love: thank you...i wish i could believe you but it made me smile when you said that.
@Kitten: you have to say that beautiful, that's what epic twins are for. that aside I'll always love you too

so so so: I've decided that if i don't get into orthotics and prosthetics here, I'm willing to go all the way to the UK if they'll take me there.
 i did some research on the University of Strathclyde, and sadly enough that's the closest prosthetics and orthotics course after here.
 i sent out some enquiries to find out what id have to do to get in, so we'll see how that goes. anyone here from there?
i think its in Glasglow.

talked to a friend, L, today.
 you wouldn't think from knowing her but
 a) she's been through a whole heap and
b) she's really good with the serious stuff, you know, the kind of stuff that you really don't want to tell anyone.
of course my full on melt down in the morning did warrant a sort of explanation i guess.....
she gave me this great idea though: if worst comes to worse i can go inpatient and have my lessons taped for me, and sent/bought in.

a compromise i can strike with my mother could possibly be (this is absolute worst case scenario):
my final year lessons are taped and bought in, leaving me with only two classes to balance with therapy.
 the next year ill return to school, repeating my four other classes from this year and then progressing in 2013 to do the final year subjects I've already planned.
 it almost seems like a better plan than what I've got going at the moment :P

i had a really, really frightening and disturbing dream when i came home from school...
i was going to tell you about it buuuuuut.....
perhaps not the best idea.

i wish i could just take tomorrow off, and pick up the pieces of my brain and body from the floor, warm up my still freezing body, and study for my mock exams.
 which i discovered today are merely 2 or 3 weeks away.....
as i say this i realise i have an English assessment tomorrow,
crap crap crap crap crap.

I'm going to go and hide now....i have to study tomorrow morning

take care
xoxo

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Let Me Go

I want to sleep forever, i never ever ever want to wake up. i burst into tears this morning simply because i did wake up.
why?
 why do i deserve to sleep?
i don't deserve it.
i don't deserve any of the good i have, yet I'm so weak i cannot handle the bad.
i am seriously the biggest waste of space, and money, and time, and resource i have ever seen.
people don't even want to be around me anymore because I'm "never happy" so if people don't want to be around me what's really the point?
 i just wish they would all leave me alone, so i can study at school.

its so cold my hands are shaking...
i just want to crawl back into bed in my heated room and cry myself back to sleep.
 but i cant, i have freaking indo today...oh that's just an insult.

i hate Indonesian class, why is it so goddamn hard?
I've come to the conclusion I've deluded myself my entire life and I'm actually really, really stupid.
I'm seriously panicking at the moment because i know i have a double today.
see/?
 i cant even handle a simple class.

take care
xoxo

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Just Scared Now

my stomach hurts, I'm tired, anxious and upset.
I'm fighting with my mum and my dad wont help me.
my sister called me chubby and my brother would better like to pretend i don't exist.
 i feel like I'm about to throw up.
however if i do that no matter what i say they'll think its on purpose...its kind of sad that they would almost be justified in jumping to that conclusion.
` i know i don't see what the rest of them see, but i know what -i- see cannot be real....
a person with a bmi of 16.1 cannot have rolls of fat
...and yet i do.

sometimes when i go to bed at night I'm scared when i wake up in the morning you wont be there.
your the most amazing, beautiful person i know.
the problem being you don't know just how truly unique and wonderful you are.
 i feel kind of useless and pathetic because i have no idea what to do.
it hurts me to know that part of you doesn't care, because it means that you don't think you matter.
i hate thinking that i sit there bitching about my problems when your hurting.
i hate thinking there is nothing i can do.
i hate thinking that in 10 minutes i will be forced to go to bed by a screaming uncaring mother, and i wont sleep because i cant shake the feeling that something bad will happen.
 your wonderful, your amazing, your awesome, your unique, i love you and i wish there was more i could do
....i wish something i would do or say would matter

take care
xoxo

Monday, 2 May 2011

Just Tired and Upset

well...one day of school this week and I'm already exhausted. still waiting on the letter for the clinic.
 actually: i got the mother of all eating disorder inquisitions last night.
seriously, if i haven't told you already I'm not going to tell you now.

much thought has been put into the slightly unconventional things i may be addicted to/obsessed with tonight...it makes me uncomfortable.

stressed out about school but seriously too tired to study.
 I'll just have to get up majorly early tomorrow morning to do some extra study.

thinking too much is bad...
.i also realised today, that my required atar is possibly much higher than i thought it was, so now I'm majorly stressed again.
also, the course i want is the only one of its kind in the whole Australian/Asian region, it only takes 30-40 students per year.

gah! i don't know what to do anymore.
I'm also too tired to reread this blog post to make sure all my ideas are in order. i
 don't think i know half of whats going on.
 i also feel like I'm about to burst into tears... :'( 
I'm just weak i guess.
take care
xoxo