Helpless

don't you just hate that helpless feeling?
 like you'd do anything to make it better, if you only knew how.
you flounder in your head trying to find something, related or not, to say. But then you come up with something so totally idiotic.
 maybe its just me.

R has to go home on Friday, so her last day of school is tomorrow.
poor thing, her mother is ill.
she was in my physics class today, it was pretty great.
i hope she'll be okay when she gets home.

I'm so exhausted its ridiculous.
 i feel nauseated all the time, and like I'm going to pass out.
i just want holidays to come so i can go home and cry in peace.
 I'm so over this whole thing.

to add to this i feel very, very large.
 like I'm in the way. all. the. time. its disgusting.
oh, its okay useless doctor people, you can postpone my appointments to whatever day you like.
its not like i have a life.
or any freaking plans. (footnote: the plans i did have were canceled but that's not the point!)
they need to know not to mess with me, and start being considerate.
 I'm such a bitch but i just don't like them.

take care
xoxo

I am Sodium Acetate

because once i was holding more than i could handle, the addition of one tiny little thing caused all hell to break lose.
(i am aware that sodium acetate merely produces heat and becomes solid :P)

 i have been entered into a treatment program at the clinic that requires i miss, for a start, two days of school next week.
none of this "treatment" crap is going to work because I'm so damn stressed out about the amount of school I'm missing.
i will fail.
 seriously, I'm almost constantly shaking and feeling like I'm about to burst into tears.
 i feel like no one really understands and the doctors just think I'm a little bitch.
 i also find it ironic that the fast majority of the doctors at the clinic appear quite underweight.

on a happier note, R is over as an exchange student from Indonesia for 6 weeks and she is absolutely adorable.
shes so bubbly all the time and our little indo-glish chats with R, myself and M have everyone looking at us a though we are insane.
also, i was wrong, the Malaysia kids don't leave until this Sunday.
 anyway, yeah, R seems to brighten up my day and always seems disappointed when M (who she is staying with and thus whose class she goes to) doesn't have classes with me :)

so thankyou, R :)

i wish E would see how wonderful and amazing she is.
 I've never known someone so deserving of happiness and well being, who just doesn't seem to have it.
its not fair.

take care all
xoxo

This or Nothing? That is the Question

i have to return to the clinic later today.
 I'm so scared i think I'm going to be sick.
i also wasn't allowed to go to school this morning because mum thinks I'm going to pass out down the stairs or something *rolls eyes*

my friends and teacher are going to Malaysia today...
i with i was going with them.
 I'm supposed to be.
 but me, being possibly the biggest idiot on he planet, got myself into this situation, didn't i?

(8) this feels better, than nothing at all (8)
does it really?

I've also decided recently i don't believe in love.
 not the romantic true love kind anyway.
 it just never seems to work out between two people. with 2/3 marriages ending in divorce, whats really the point in the first place?
 love always ends up hurting -someone-.
 its absolutely ridiculous!
 therefore would it just be easier to grow old and die alone?
just not get involved in this twisted institution in the first place?
 probably.

take care
xoxo

Absolutley Worthless

spent most of today on the verge of tears, thinking about how badly i did yesterday....its not very effective when you have to go face biology again first thing in the morning.
to top it all off we began to watch "look both ways" in English.
I'm now glad of two things:
a) my nails are incredibly broken and chipped
b) we only watched about a half hour

or the marks on the back of my hand may have been slightly more difficult to explain.
its been a fair while since I've done that.
 I'm not proud of it, at all.
i think its just all getting to me, though. all at once.
 I'll be the first to admit this is all a bit much really. i know there are people out there who go through so much, and it makes me feel weak to admit it, but it is.

today I've been thinking about how average i am.
below average really, because of my defective body.
 there is nothing remarkable about me.
 nothing people will remember after I'm out of their sight.
 I'm not pretty, or talented.
I'm not witty or entertaining.
 or even that quiet and intriguing soul in the corner of the room
. I'm not smart, although i try to be.

 i am average and therefore, i sometimes believe, i am nothing.

Who the Hell Wants to be Average?

i failed.

I'm defective.

 i fucking failed.

I'm never good enough.

no matter how hard i try it doesn't make a difference.

 i fail.

on a lighter note
" i will continue to wear no pants, even on television, so my grandmother can see me."

well.....

I don't know what I'm doing. i think i know all i need to know for the exam...
but I'm feeling guilty for not constantly studying. my EXAM IS TOMORROW for gods sake. 
shout out to Douchy's biology podcasts for keeping me sane.
 i hope i do okay.
 A grade here i come....i hope.

"glucose, oh sugar sugar, you help me make ATP, when my predators are chasing me" 

when i started writing this, a few hours ago, i was quietly confidant that i was going to do well....
now I'm in tears because iv realised there is absolutely no way I can ever do this.
ever.
 I'm just going to fail....

G-Protein Coupled Transduction

pleasantly surprised when i opened my biology book this morning and realised...
i know more than i thought did.
I've been studying for about 3 hours now so I'm taking a break like a good little nerd. i also just got some coffee with my father....awkwardness.
 back to study soon.
 i might not screw up this exam as badly as i thought i would but i still think i wont do too good.
more than anything i want this exam to be over.
please don't ask me how i went because i just don't want to think about it.

i think I'm infectious, dangerous even.
 one of my friends, B, started crying yesterday because she was so stressed about exams.
 she's never done that before.
maybe its my fault.
 i think i stress them out too much.
maybe i should just leave them be?
and continue my nerdyness in the study rooms by myself every day like i used to?

a more pressing issue is:
I'm worried about E.
she doesn't seem to realise how amazing and beautiful she is.
i know she can beat anything she's confronted with
....now how do i convince her of that?

and i shall leave you with the thing that's going around in my head at the moment:
when a hormone comes into contact with a G-Protein coupled receptor it causes:

• the receptor to change shape
• following this the G protein down the bottom of the receptor (Made of 3 sections of protein) changes shape, causing the expulsion of a substance called guanine di-phosphate and  guanine tri phosphate rushes in causing the alpha protein to change shape and detach
• the alpha protein moves along the membrane and attaches to another protein known as adenylyl cyclase.
• the alpha protein and GTP then act as an enzyme converting thousand of ATP (high energy molecules) into cAMP which then acts as a 2nd messenger.

yes i am well aware that probably means nothing to you all :P

take care
xoxo

Eating Exams

I've started really freaking out about my real exam on Tuesday.
there is no second chances for this one, if i screw it up i cant just shrug it of and say that it didn't matter...because it does.
but of course I'm going to screw it up, simply because I'm an idiot and can never get anything right.
what if i screw it up?
what will i then?
 on a side note i hope no one talks about the exam after...
i may have to steer clear of facebook for a while.

blogger wont let me comment on blogs. stupid blogger. i feel bad now

its so hard to balance eating with this stress I'm feeling now.
 there is no time to waste on eating.
because if i waste time eating i will fail my exam....which I'm probably going to do anyway.
 i think these are going to be a pretty horrible 5 days. 
i don't even know what I'm doing.
every time i think about Tuesday i feel like i want to cry.
 its horrible.
 i hate it.
 i hate this uncertainty.
 i don't know if I'm going to go well....or if I'm going to completely fail.
 it all depends on whats on the exam.

 i need to stop talking about this.

I'm going to go and try to calm down now....

take care
xoxo

AWKWARD

had an amazingly awkward meeting with my teacher's today.
it has been decided that I'm only doing 4 subjects next year: physics, chemistry, English and methods.
 also, i don't have to do end of year exams for my year 11 subjects :)
apparently they've never had to have a meeting with a student to tell them to cool it with the study.
also it has been agreed i need a hobby.
given i have no talents, any ideas?

have a biology assessment tomorrow I'm not nearly ready for. ah well.

i has a purple teddy bear.

why did they all look so shocked when i told them i didn't want to die?

why do they want to take all my control away?

its been a while but here's another one:
a man walks up to a woman and says: "i wish i was DNA Helicase so i could unzip your jeans"
....apparently geeks -do- have pickup lines :P

take care
xoxo

Exams are Looming

had my math tech free this morning.
I'm kinda proud of myself.
 i think i did quite well :).
 i went home after English to study but that didn't work because i suddenly got very ill.
I'm telling you now: throwing up everywhere when your parents are convinced you have an eating disorder is not cool.
i feel better now which just makes it worse...wow its awkward :P

have my English exam tomorrow, screw English.
 I'm very good at writing a 150 word introduction in the space of 5 lines...very tiny writing :P
 i have only a tentative grasp on what I'm saying right now.
i want to go back so sleeeep.

meeting with teachers was postponed until next Monday, directly before my last exam, chemistry.
wish me luck, I'm really very frightened.
I'm finally starting to admit i don't have everything quite as together as i thought, and now i have to tell other people,.
but i don't want them to think less of me...

on more exciting news EEEEEE is home!!!!...which makes little difference to me as i would see her anyway but it makes her happy which is absolutely insurmountably EPIC =D.