Sunday, 24 July 2011

hehe, I Just Needed an Excuse to Show Off my Kitty Cats

My kitties, they loves each-other!

this weekend was actually alright. i caught up with C on Friday night, it was pretty great.
i like how i know that she's been through it all and she gets it.
 i hope she's okay now.
 i worry about her.

i did so much hw this weekend its insane.
probability is a stuuuupid math topic!

i don't really know what else to say.
 i have a clinic appointment tomorrow and i just want to cry.
i also have a doctor's appt there on Wednesday which will be interesting.
i hate this crap!
 I'm so stressed out because of it.

RIP the sufferers of that horrible disaster in Norway.
how stuff like that happens in beyond me. and its seemingly overshadowed by the death of Amy Whinehouse.
although both are sad, Amy is one person.

i miss control, i miss freedom, mostly i miss being able to see E.
 i don't know how I'm going to handle this.

take care

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Tired and Rambling

saw an epic play today at school. some students from England put it on whilst on some sort of cultural exchange. it was seriously amazing. i wish i was that talented.

my foot hurts. a lot. and i put it down to the weight gain. its horrible.

I'm screwed for my chem test tomorrow, i hate valency and solubility tables. I'm not smart enough, I'm not the best anymore. i never will be again.

i get to catch up with my friend, C, after school tomorrow. which is interesting. it seems my parents have double standards. but it should be nice anyway.

even though i have a massive homework weekend this weekend I'm still excited for it.

i can't wait 'til uni, gosh if i gt in anywhere it will be an amazing feeling. but what does one do if one receives no offers?

school is amazing, but when i come home it takes me less than 10mins t go from absolutely fine, very stable to almost suicidal and crying my eyes out. hmmmm

I'm going to take a shower and go to bed

take care

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Clothing and Birthday Wishes

today, I'm too emotionally and physically exhausted to blog about my feelings and such, so i decided to blog about clothes that i wish  had the confidence or beauty to wear. first i shall say, happy birthday to my beautiful epic twin E, i don't know what I'd do without you.

i adore Lady Gaga. this dress has been my favorite of hers for a while now. the day i have the courage to wear something like this, i will be amazingly happy.

the shorts are a bit short, maybe if they were longer. or even with skinny jeans. i like this kind of idea although i have no idea why :P

i love this dress, its dainty and sophisticated, quite lovely.

always love a baggy jumper, perhaps not this colour though. although I've always thought my legs needed to be thinner to get away with it


take care

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Depression (possibly triggering)

I'll be nothing.
I'll end up as a checkout chick forever. i feel like a failure.
 i can only just see my ribs now.... lol its only now i realise how much i still "bone check."
my potassium is low, yet i haven't been doing anything i shouldn't be.
 problem being no one listens to me when i tell them so.
this whole thing is ridiculous because as soon as its over I'm just going to loose the weight again.
 not on purpose, it'll just happen.
 I'm crazy, forgetting things I've just done and shaking permanently.
i cant leave he house and my parents have to chaperon me.
 there have been moments this week that I've actually wanted to die.
 i need to get away from my parents, i would honestly prefer to being hospital than here.
 school will be impossible and that will leave me with no talents, no hobbies,  two or three friends (who i can't see) and an intense feeling of loneliness that i cant shake.

why cant i just have one good run of things in my life....please?

take care

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

haha. welcome back

I'm fat, pathetic, weak, worthless, a freak, broken, lonely, alone, disgusting, gluttonous and selfish

yes, thank you Mr. Voice: i know. i fucking hate you.
please leave me alone

Sunday, 10 July 2011

My Brother and My Inability to Measure Up

my brother.

he's an odd one.
he's very smart, very religious, if we weren't related we'd probably maybe perhaps be friends.
 if he didn't live with me.
 i wish we were friends.
 I'm too jealous of him to be his friend :P.
 he's an amazing person, and has helped so many people even at his young age.
 he, however, often does not think very highly of himself.
 its sad.
in so many ways he's everything i wish i was.
he's naturally smart, so he can ace is tests and exams on minimal study.
despite his sometimes low self-esteem, he carries himself with confidence.
 my teachers get disappointed in me when i don't do as well as he did in my exams.
 he manages to get along with my mother, and she adores him.
once i remember he accused me of destroying the family because of my fights with my parents.
 and that hurt me more than anything my parents could ever say.
 I'm slightly disillusioned about him and I'm aware of that.
he's like this allusive form of realistic perfection....if that makes any sense at all.
  i just wish i was more like him.

in the words of one Maria Mena:

"just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy and maybe I'd get there. just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

because I'm never quite good enough.
i live with an all consuming fear that I'll never get anywhere in life.
I'll never study any worthwhile branch of medicine, ill  work in a supermarket forever.
 ill be a failure.
I'll be nothing and I'll die alone.
 i always say I'm cool with dying alone, that if i had a "significant other" of some sort it'd only slow me down. but in reality have a fear of being lonely.
 because in one way or another, I'm always left behind.

anyone else feel like that?

take care

Friday, 8 July 2011

Blogger Problems and Rants about Parental Unit

wake. cry eat. cry. shower. sleep. wake. cry. eat. cry. sleep. wake. cry eat. shower cry. Internet. sleep.
gotta love my days these days
 gosh its amazingly awesome!
....I'm running out of epic gift ideas but i think this one will be a good one...
i hope!

anyone know how to fix it?

am i missing something?
 arn't people naturally supposed to love their parents.
 i don't feel that draw.
i wish i did, but i find them horrible and bigoted and controlling.
 i feel like my recovery isn't working because of the lack of respect and absence of love for them.
 i don't let them tell me what to do.
 i don't feel like they deserve to "help" me.
i feel like if someone else was "in-charge" even a nurse or medical professional, everything would be so much better.
 but no one listens to me.
 its like I'm a robot, and they can power me down when they want nothing to do with me, and order me around when they feel like they should do something.

sorry for ranting
take care

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Just Venting....Worthlessness

well this is crap. my parents hate me and this forced "recovery" does not seem to be working.
 i didn't think it was possible to hate myself more than i did before, but apparently it is.
 I'm constantly fighting the urge to throw up.
 this is something i haven't had to do for years.
eating hurts like hell and I'm miserable.
my parents are taking this as an excuse to control me.
 no one at the clinic ever asked me how I'm going so i can only assume that they, too, don't care.
 I'm honestly scared that i will resort to something stupid.
 I'm scared I'll hurt myself, because now every moment of every day I'm truly reminded of how much my parents hate me.
I'm scared the voice will come back....please leave me alone.

I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to complete my homework.
 this whole thing is ruining my life and i just want it to go away.

why does no one listen o me? am i really that worthless.
yes, yes i am.

take care

Sunday, 3 July 2011

hmmm, what's the point of a title? :P

had an amazing time with E yesterday.
 we lay siege upon the plaza and bought DISNEY MOVIES!
yes we are that epic. 
 and i got a hair-cut FINALLY!
"dishonour, dishonour on your whole family,dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!"
it was great to catch up.
 excited for our upcoming photo shoot -and- it's E's birthday very soon.
 hehe *bounces*

i hope things are working out like they seem.

 you know the times you want to say something, or to bring up something, but have no idea how.
i hate that!
 sometimes it's just so frustrating you almost want to scream.

i have to go to the clinic tomorrow.
i don't need this crap right now. its just in the way and has rocketed my stress levels (ha! who knew that was possible?!)
then i have to stay in the city with my parents...ick, cant i just come home on  a bus or something?
 i don't want to spend more time with them then i have to.

E has got to be the most amazing person ever, to deal with all my crazy crap and still stick around

"you lied to me?! and what are you? a sheep?!"

take care