Now that the Glucose has Phosphate, it Breaks into 2 Molecules that Seem Like Mates

my mother took my height and weight today....at 6am.
 i guess we were all up anyway but still! my bmi came out as 16.1, which is fine with me i suppose.
not so fine with her.
 i think she should be happy seeing as my lowest bmi was somewhere closer to 12.5.
and its not like 16.1 is dangerous...but it does seem too low for how i actually look
 i noticed today though, how much i still eat vicariously. we went to comet pastry shops today with my sister and her friend. i as watching them with such intensity that they asked if i wanted any.
how do you explain to someone that you want to want some but you don't?
i sound like i left my mind in my biology class today :P

other than fighting a loosing battle to convince my mother I'm okay my life has been preeetty boring.
after my biol class today i had a very entertaining conversation with one of my classmates in MacDonalds whilst waiting for our parents.
her father is a chemical engineer who puts the white stuff on paper...oddly cool right?
maybe that's just me :P

okay so, in my rapid attempt to revise for my upcoming biol exam i was directed to this video.
 any biol brains out there who need cellular respiration explained to them, click on the link below.
 its possibly one of the most amusing things I've seen in a while.
 i so wish this guy was my teacher!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQfMLozc5tg&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_656086
(8)it takes up so many pages, and learning it seems to take many ages (8)
 lol i think I'm going to randomly start singing in the middle of my biol exam now :P
*hums*

take care
xoxo

Morbidity alert! (as in more so than usual)

the problem with waking at 4am, is it leaves an extensive amount of time for breakdowns in the morning.
I'm sitting here crying like a child because i don't see an end to this.
any of this.
ever.
i don't want to die, not yet. i still have to make my life matter first.
 i just want everything to  stop, just for a little while, so i can just catch my breath.
i don't want to have to worry about: tests, exams, grade averages, food, doctors, my mental state or the rest of the world, for just a bit.
could somebody please remind me why i do this to myself?

you know some thing's up when as soon as you get out of bed in the morning, you randomly collapse in a heap on the floor.
 my floor is cold.
my room is so cold it wakes me up at night.
 and yet i refuse to plug the heater in because i think my beautiful kitty cat will step on it and hurt herself.

my mother thinks I'm trying to slowly kill myself.
she doesn't want me here anymore because she thinks I'm a bad influence on my younger sister.
 i however believe it is good for her to be witness to my crazy.
I'm the living embodiment of everything she shouldn't do.
 i think my brother hates me.
and i honestly wouldn't blame him if he did.
i honestly secretly think he's pretty awesome, but i hate the fact he seems to be the perfect son.
 I'm pretty sure my grades are better than his (finally!) and yet somehow he's doing better at school....?
 i think he now just thinks: " my sisters psycho and there's nothing i can do about it" so he just acts like i don't exist
....until its convenient for him to act as though it was otherwise.
my mother also thinks I'm going to become a hooker. lovely.

anyhoo, take care
xoxo

exhusted

well....I'm about to pass out. this is getting absolutely ridiculous and I'm sick of it.
my mother just says i have to eat more....
i physically cant.
its not my fault mother, i.
just.
can't.
  i feel like I'm about to burst into tears and i know its weak and childish but i feel like i physically cannot function anymore.
 i have a biology test and a physics presentation tomorrow.
 I'm just hoping i can wake myself up early enough to study for biology in the morning, because I'm kinda dead after doing my physics work.
currently, I'm hoping the letter for the clinic comes soon....and oddly enough I'm hoping they find something.
 i need an explanation as to why I'm doing this, why I'm feeling like this.
i feel like i just want everything to stop for a bit.
my hands are shaking as i type this...why?
 lol I'm asking why alot....a lot is two words T, a lot, not alot, you know that. what's wrong with you?

oh great, now I'm talking to myself on my blog. I'm going to stop before i go completely nuts

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

take care

xoxo



epiphany!

today was the last minute scramble for stationary and such.
after acquiring folders and an epic purple highlighter, my father and i went out for coffee.
 we ran into an older friend i haven't see in a while.
we had a really good conversation after my father left.
 i actually found out she is a recovered anorectic.
she's now studying to be a physiotherapist and was in much the same position as me when she was my age.
 she was so burnt out by the end of VCE she almost failed uni.
she helped me realise i may actually have a problem.
it felt kind of good to let someone know how I've been thinking and feeling.


school is back tomorrow and i don't know what to do, I've been so tired over the holidays i haven't done -any-  study and I'm absolutely freaking out.
I'm in tears at the moment I'm so scared and stressed out.
 i have a feeling I'm going to randomly burst into tears at multiple points during the day.
life is silly.

Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
take care
xoxo

SNOWMAN DAY

TODAY WAS SNOWMAN DAY!
this is the legendary day that was invented due to an epic facebook pillow fight with E.
 unfortunately for me E was otherwise engaged, which left me to do...absolutely nothing.

actually, i passed out 3 times today.
 i haven't done that in a while, but I'm absolutely exhausted.
 i really have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do about school. i couldn't even study today.
i feel like a zombie, like i cant even function

today i used an ATAR calculator today, which pretty much calculates your final score for high school.
 i realised that i probably wont even get my current desired score, which is drastically lower than the original score i wanted.....
i guess i could just study nursing and then change into orthotics and prosthetics when I'm done.
 its kind of a relief because, if it comes to it, i can do nursing in mildura with an ATAR of 51.2.
i really hope it doesn't come to that though...
i really don't think i could handle that.
school is going back soon and I'm freaking out!

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
Take care
xoxo

Goodbye Control

well, after my assessment my mother wants me to take the rest of the year off school for therapy.
 which i DO NOT need.
 I'm sick of how what the stupid psych lady has read into what I've said is right on track to ruin my life.
my trip to Malaysia is also on the line.
 so even if i can stay in school i don't know how I'm going to explain to everyone why I'm suddenly not going to a trip i've been excited about, pretty much since year 8.
 I'm pretty sure even if i didn't need help before, i will need it by the time my appointment comes around.
this is unbelievably stressful!

its getting to the point now i cant concentrate for long enough even to do my homework, so school is going to be hell when we go back on wednesday.
 i think I'm going o flip out if my indonesian teacher embarrasses me again.
 sometimes i get so stressed and anxious about everything i cant breathe. 
 i just keep thinking: right now my whole future is up in the air, and there is nothing i can do about it, its not up to me anymore.
 its my life, and its not even up to me.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
it feels like everything is falling apart.
where do i go now?

another joke for you geeks out there:

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

take care xoxo

random nothingness

Tintin the adventurer is looking kind of dead in front of my space heater at the moment, and my kitty bobbin is asleep on the armchair.
 it is absolutely freezing at the moment and i have; thermal and pajama pants on, as well as leggings, a thermal top, singlet and a dressing gown.
it is so cold.

i voided the warranty on my scales today, but i made them work so YAY!
 i also started the stupid physics paper.
 it is soooooo long!
as for the rest of my homework, i am so stressed out even by the thought of going back to school.
i just don't think i can handle all the pressure, plus all the added stress of trying to fix whatever imaginary problem the psych lady and mother have added.
i kind of think i want to cry.
 i know its weak but i just don't know what to do.
i need to stop thinking about all this.

hey hey hey, i have a science joke for you!

so: a higgs boson particle walks into a church but the priest stops him at the door
"you cant come in, you call yourself the God particle. that's blasphemy!"
and so the higgs boson particle replies;
"if you don't allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?!"

hahahaha, i think its very funny :P

take care
xoxo

Boring

i really don't have much to say today.
my life is actually kind of boring.

tomorrow is a big day for me.
the first Good Friday in my -entire- life I'm not attending a church service.
it shall be interesting.
i really really need to get that physics paper done anyway.
I've just been to tired to do anything recently.

I'm sitting here feeling weak and my heart is feeling kind of funny. its getting very annoying.
i really hope this weak feeling and exhaustion and such that is effecting me goes away before school.
it would be nice if it went away very soon so that i could actually get some work done.
 i don't think that is going to happen though.

I'm starting to think they may be right. i have no idea.
they're in my head and they're making me scared.
 i hate having no choice, and even more i hate having no idea what's going on.
also, i do realise I'm obsessing over this, but i don't know how to stop it.

take care
xoxo

My Mind is Falling Apart

I currently feel like I'm sitting at my computer watching someone else type.

there was a point earlier where i couldn't get up at all, i was so exhausted.

And yet i cant sleep.

shows you what stress and anxiety can do.

 i got so dizzy stepping out of the shower i almost managed to hit my head on the small set of shelves.

i was thinking earlier about how,-if the clinic people decide i do have a problem- it is just going to add more stress and more anxiety.

even if i have to participate in some sort of therapy it means i will have to miss school.

if I'm in an outpatient program I'll miss even more school.

at least i can assure myself i wont end up in inpatient....i hopes.

any chance one of the few people following me could tell me what happens in assessments in eating disorder clinics?

 i am making up horrible scenarios in my head and its kind of getting out of control.

 I don't remember what happened last time.

i don't think i had any idea what was going on.

I'm really quite scared.

 I'm hating the uncertainty of all this, its driving me crazy. 

 ironically, my reaction to stress is a loss of appetite, causing me to forget eating. for example, today i completely forgot this task until E stated that she was having dinner.

 i kind of feel like my mind is falling apart.

i have no idea what to do anymore.

you know what else is driving me crazy?

 I'm being watched.

all.

 the.

 time.

 I'm not allowed to exercise, or even go in my room my myself for an extended period of time.

I'm surprised no one insists on being outside the bathroom whilst i shower.

this is getting out of control.

oh and just so you know, none of this is my fucking fault you idiot, if you want someone to blame try your wife before you make me feel like crap.

 you've now left me completely alone here.

 i hope you feel happy you *insert string of profanities here*

take care

xoxo

Total Rant Time!!!!!!

this is a "String of Cosmic Pearls" surrounding an exploding star. i think its beautifully tragic.

went to see stupid psych lady today.
she has referred me to an eating disorder's clinic in the same hospital.
screw you lady.
 it was none of your business. i may have issues but they are defiantly not problems.
 i don't want to deal with this all again.
i cant start it all again.
i think i kind of feel numb now.
 i don't know what I've done wrong.
let's be honest and say I'm not that thin, i no longer restrict what i eat.
i honestly don't have the time to deal with this at the moment.
yes lady, i am constantly cold. this is explained by my crappy circulation.
I've always had it. yes lady, i am terrified of weight gain.
this is because if i gain weight, walking will become harder.
i have been told this by my doctor.
 yes would like to lose some weight, because then walking will become easier.
yes i wear baggy clothes, because my body has been massacred by various surgeries causing a misshapen body.
all these problems you attributed to a full on relapse, can easily be explained by other, simpler, issues.
now I'm being watched, constantly.
 its pissing me off!!!!!!!!

on a happier note, i got the books i wanted from the university.
they have, like, 8 libraries all with multiple floors, all over the campus, so you really have to know what your looking for before you get there.

i don't think I'm numb anymore....
i just don't know what to do anymore.....

some body's been lying, who is it?

take care
xoxo

Late Night Indonesian Reading Psych Lady Sees the Hubble Telescope Cutting Off Mop Hair

i didn't end up in bed until around 6am this morning.
i was doing translations.
yeah, that's right.
I'm that cool.

 "Eeee... Tidak kena. kamu memang bodoh. Tidak hanya bodoh, kamu jelek"

i then proceeded to download and read a pdf copy of Wintergirls.
in my defence i have been looking for that book for months now and the only place who would order it in was Borders.
so TAKE THAT amazon.com.
 that's what you get for causing the shutdown of my favorite bookstore!
as for the story itself, i think she wrote it really well. 
you really felt Lia's pain, and i;m not sure about anyone else but i was so incredibly freaked out every time Cassie showed up.
What do you guys think? was she really there or just in Lia's imagination?

i have to see the crazy psych lady again tomorrow.
AND, she also wants to talk to my mother.
 can i just die now please?
also, both my parents are going with me.
maybe they need one to hold me down whilst the other signs the admission papers?
i wouldn't put it past them.
 my mother threatens to have me committed all the time.
sometimes i wonder how far i could push her.
 than i remember i probably shouldn't try.

also going to the university library to get books for my physics paper tomorrow.
 it's on the Hubble telescope.
did you know that if the telescope focuses on a single spot for an extended period of time, the images reveal what was in that space (ie stars) in the past.
that could just be me being nerdy but i find that really amazing
....and mind boggling

take a look at this. that is not a painting, it actually -exists- in our universe. it's actually out there.... okay random nerdy moment gone now. sorry all

also, i might be getting my mop hair cut tomorrow.
hopefully this one will turn out better than the last, and get it all out of my eyes :P.
 i realise you do not need to know this useless piece of information but I'm telling you anyway :P

take care
xoxo

I Hate This

just thought you all needed another picture of my absolutely stunningly gorgeous kitty!

well.... today I've come to the conclusion that i must just be completely defective.
 seriously why cant a single surgery go the right for me?!
i seriously just want to give up.
 I'm broken, just leave me like this.
just admit failure, tell me you cant help me anymore, and leave me out in the cold like almost everyone.

 its absolutely stupid how upset i am about this, but i just want everything to stop.
i want to stop feeling like a complete failure.
i want these ugly scars, and other ugly features to just go away.
 i don't understand how you can sit there and tell me over and over again that we can try something else and then dump me on a psychologist when you decide you don't want to deal with this crazy bitch.
i hate you for giving me hope.
i hate you for making me think that some of the physical pain will go away.
 i hate you for bringing all my other problems to every one's attention.

 i hate everyone else for pretending they understand.
 i hate them for always making me feel guilty.
 i hate them for thinking that i cant take care of myself.

and most importantly i hate myself for feeling like this, and for so many other things

anyway, rant over.

take care all
xoxo

Wolf's Like Kids TV Shows about Football-game-playing Monkeys that Drink Hot Choc and Listen to Lady Gaga

had an awesome weekend with E. the hat pictured above is similar to the one we got for my wolf costume.
I AM A WOLF! RAAAAAAAAR!!!!
we also got ribbon and scouted for material which i shall be soon returning for.
 this is REALLY EXCITING!!!! 

had the biggest heart attack when we lost my mother and i thought i was going to be late for my appointment. I'm sorry but there is no way in HELL i was wearing that cast for yet another week.
eventually got the cast of....it kinda worked but they're not sure.

"ah gravity thou art a heartless bitch"

spent the night at E's doing biology and listening to biol podcasts all night.
 spent the next day watching kids TV shows, which i must say are now HORRIBLE!
what happened to the classics we watched whilst growing up?
the only saving grace was the ever constant "Arthur" and of course "Elmo's World."
 its funny how much fun simply sitting there with your best friend can be =D.
we should do these sleepover things more often :P 
we were eventually joined by her housemate and his friend.
i think i kind of understood the football game, with the help of his amusing commentary :P.

i still maintain, if you give a monkey a gun, it will not shoot with the intent to kill, but will pull the trigger out of its natural curiosity.
they have not been introduced to the horror that is encountered when one species designed a tool to kill another of that species.
 at least not to the extent in the human world.
what do you think?

my father bought me hot chocolate today.
he said when he went shopping he even bought his glasses with him so he could read the label to ensure i could have it.
such a simple act made me feel really special....its stupid i know.

now I'm sitting here feeling incredibly ill.....i don't think eating an apple can make you sick...gah! who knows anymore :P

as a side note; Lady Gaga's song Judas: good, bad, offensive, otherwise?
 i had a pretty long and thought provoking debate with a friend of mine about 30 seconds ago.
 i can very much understand why he, as a christian, would be offended and believe she could have chosen a different name to make it less offensive.
at the same time i do believe it was a mistake with a singular song and she is still a great artist with amazing talent.
any thoughts?

take care
xoxo

Cats and Dresses and Rants and Such...

this is my sister's kitty cat! he WILL eat you!
 he has a very big belly and eats everything in sight. his name is Tin-Tin.
full title, as christened by my sister, Heather, Tin-tin the Adventurer.
i tried on my old formal dress today.
yes I'm that sad i actually did that.
its a tad bit big nowadays but i looked in the mirror and thought "why on earth did no one tell me i actually looked like a giant yellow pear?!"
someone told me i looked like a pineapple but i figured they were just being bitchy.

i then went through my cupboard and found things i would never ever wear, and some things i never have worn.
i wish i had the confidence to wear dresses and such, you know, pretty things.
 i cant even stand wearing them in my room anymore.
 this is female vanity at it's worst! :P

does anyone else watch news bulletins about peoples lack of nutritional knowledge or rates of obesity and feel guilty?
i know I'm not obese but i still feel like this bulletins are talking to me...

going shopping with my best friend, E tomorrow!
 the most exciting! *bounce bounce bounce bounce* going to find costumes for a party.
i get to be a wolf! RAAAAAAAAR!!!!
then staying the night which shall be epic fun.
 Oh!
 i get my cast off tomorrow also.
 *crosses fingers* it works, causer if it doesn't, i -will- cry.
i cant just have one surgery that does what it's supposed to do without leaving me horrible scars.
yes i do have an incredible level of vanity
.....i should be doing homework right now.
I'm too tired.

take care
xoxo

SHE WILL EAT YOU!

this is my kitty, and she will eat youuuuu :P
....perhaps not but she is adorable.
her name is Bobbin.

i just thought i would introduce you to her because she is just epic!
and gives good cuddles :p
as soon as my light goes on in the morning she jumps from her bed on the chair in my room to my bed.
 it got to the point i had to get up 10mins early just cause i felt so bad kicking her out :P

i have no idea why I'm writing this but this is my blog and so I'm going to fill it with my random crap :P

change of topic + vent
please tell me what I've done so wrong!
seriously...sometimes i think you just love to make me miserable. 
sometimes i imagine how you would squirm if you knew all the things that go on in my life...and my head.
i honestly wish you would just go, just leave me alone! i
 cannot remember a single time I've talked to you, that i didn't leave feeling like i wanted to go and stand in the middle of the highway.
 I'm sick of you being so freaking patronising!
 its not like your the only one who has stuff go wrong in your life.
I'm not being melodramatic, I'm not being a child, but sometimes i truly hate you. 
i just cant wait for the day to come when i move to a new country and i NEVER have to see you again.
 i wonder whose life you will make miserable once I'm gone....

do you ever have those times when you're convinced your life will never matter?

I'm nuts

well, as stated on the previous installment of my incredibly totally boring life, i went to see the psychologist today.
from the results of the test i had taken in my previous visit she ascertained that i was absolutely freaking nuts!
 i apparently have high levels of depression, extreme anxiety, control issues and zero self esteem.
duh lady!
i could have told you all this.
oh joy of joys we got on to my food issues simply because last time i was there, my mother bought be a cupcake that i refused to eat....
i never said anything about food last time!
now she wants me to come back because my "refusal to recognise and address issues" is concerning her.
 she proceeded to call my parents (thus breaking confidentiality) so now i cant get out of it.
I'm sure your very nice and all, but i don't need your help or want it.
 and you had absolutely no right to go behind my back and relay everything i said to my parents, who wasted no time in telling me what a spoilt little selfish bitch i am.
 if you haven't gathered from my above tone, i am MAD, like, very extremely mad!
i kind of just think it would be nice if the world opened up and swallowed me whole....

on a side note, I've realised I've actually been deleting people's comments off my posts rather than just out of that little comment box you can access on your dashboard.
my apologies everyone!
so sorry!

take care
xoxo

Thinking of deleting blog soon maybe

because i realised only 3 people follow this, two of whom i know in person so i currently just feel stupid doing this :P
 on a side note; who loves the fish as much as i do?! =D

the past couple of days my vegan diet has been going well. i think I'm going to continue it.
I've been reading up on the practises of the meat industry and have been in tears more than once due to what I've read....
i was truly horrified....

yesterday i had the gathering for people who received the KLD scholarship for Melbourne uni.
met some really nice people. the plan of the facebook group was that i would wear the mad hatter hat that i own, and everyone would come and find me.
IT ACTUALLY WORKED!...
it was kind of an amazing day. I'm generally socially awkward and was even tempted to fake sick in the morning so i wouldn't have to go.
glad i didn't. it was a pretty great day. we had a motivational speaker in, he was pretty epic. i laughed so much that i literally couldn't breathe :P.

the medical lecture i went to was also hilarious. we learnt how to conduct a basic observational examination
....however the lecturer randomly took his shirt off and started sprinting around the room. this was apparently to show is different things that could be observed with breathing patterns...
but dude...did you have to take your shirt off?!....over 40, balding man, strips in the middle of a lecture theatre...hmmm....
also one of the scholars did a quite epic impersonation of a pigeon, he will now forever be known as pigeon guy!

other than this, i have to see a psychologist tomorrow, because apparently what i said last time i saw her "concerned her."
i didn't even want to go!
 my mother made me go last time! I'm truly terrified and i don't know why...
i just hate psychologists...and i have a feeling this is not going to end well......

take care my dears xoxo

I'm an Idiot

Got our midyear reports today, which means the horrid parent teacher interviews. all would have been fine if the following combination of events hadn't occurred;

1. i had to wear my sister's skinny jeans. this made me feel like i was...i don't know how to describe it...jiggling?...with each step.
it is the most mortifying feeling in the world.
i know no one else cares, or even notices, but -I- do.
 it just made me feel like crap, which made me feel over emotional already

2. as far as I'm concerned my report was horrible, I'm sick of putting so much effort into everything and only getting mediocre results back.
no matter what i do i can never be good enough, and I'm most certainly never ever the best.

3. i suffered from an unexplained panic attack in the middle of a brief encounter with my Indonesian teacher, who asked me to return later...i didn't.
that's going to be awkward tomorrow... :P.
i walked through the school almost gasping for breath...i must have looked insane or something....
i ended up just walking home, almost got hit by a car. under the suggestion of my best friend, E, i immediately grabbed my doona and a cup of tea....kinda reminds me of when i was 5, and that's what my neighbour would give me (she was like my grandma) whenever i was upset. as far as comfort food goes, its not too bad :P

all in all, a pretty crap day. i spent the majority of it crying, got no homework done, and I'm sick of these god damn panic attacks.
its hard enough to get through the day with just the general stress...i don't know how i can keep going like this....

on a side note, pretty much on a whim, about a half hr ago, i decided to try a semi-vegan diet for the next week.
we'll see how that goes, I'm not expecting much but...i almost think it'll be fun.
who knows, i may like it :P

Well, Here We Go Again.

Sometimes....I hear voices in my head...at least I think I do. They tell me how worthless I am, how fat I am, how much I disappoint everyone around me.
They strike at completely random moments sometimes, like halfway through a class, or a conversation.
but most if the time, it happens at night, when it's quiet....that's why I always have to have noise on in the background, because, maybe I can drown it out, convince myself I’m as damn near perfect as I’m going to get, and I don’t have to try anymore....but I never really can.

When I was little, I used to dream about a woman.
She was absolutely stunning. She had straight long rich brown hair, pale white skin, rose cheeks and stunning brown eyes.
She was small, with a shape that was a mix between an hour-glass and a child’s...somehow.
She always wore a long flowing, green/blue dress, perfectly fitted until the waist, where is splayed out magnificently.
This was coupled with sparkling silver bangles, diamond earrings, and a stunning necklace that made it look like there was a single crystal simply floating between her collarbones.
She always talked to me in my dreams, I could never move, I was mesmerised by her.
I can never remember exactly what she told me, but I remember I always woke up crying.
Is it even possible for one to wake up crying?...I don't know.... I was reminded of her today, simply randomly, I was speaking in a debate and she just popped into my head.
She had me completely derailed after that :P

I’m guessing I just have to get this stuff off my chest, because other than that I have no idea why I would be writing this....
Its 2am I’m tired and delirious...I’m not entirely sure I can entirely grasp what's going on....
So now everyone thinks I’m completely freaking crazy, hope all is well
Xoxo

ummmm...Hi?

so, as you may have noticed i started a blog today :P. i know it looks horrid but I'm really not good with this computer stuff so we'll see how it goes.

some things you may need to know about me;
i have cerebral palsy spastic diaplegia that affects my movement, and makes me look really strange....sometimes, when people look at me, i just want everything to stop, it makes me feel like crap, it makes me feel worthless.
i have been diagnosed with depression, an eating disorder (that i have since recovered from...) and possible anxiety disorder.
I'm a very weird person, and not many people can stand to be around me

you probably think I'm ridiculous, but if you want, follow for more stories of a disabled girl, just trying to be perfect.