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Sunday, 10 July 2011

My Brother and My Inability to Measure Up

my brother.

he's an odd one.
he's very smart, very religious, if we weren't related we'd probably maybe perhaps be friends.
 if he didn't live with me.
 i wish we were friends.
 I'm too jealous of him to be his friend :P.
 he's an amazing person, and has helped so many people even at his young age.
 he, however, often does not think very highly of himself.
 its sad.
in so many ways he's everything i wish i was.
he's naturally smart, so he can ace is tests and exams on minimal study.
despite his sometimes low self-esteem, he carries himself with confidence.
 my teachers get disappointed in me when i don't do as well as he did in my exams.
 he manages to get along with my mother, and she adores him.
once i remember he accused me of destroying the family because of my fights with my parents.
 and that hurt me more than anything my parents could ever say.
 I'm slightly disillusioned about him and I'm aware of that.
he's like this allusive form of realistic perfection....if that makes any sense at all.
  i just wish i was more like him.

in the words of one Maria Mena:

"just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy and maybe I'd get there. just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

because I'm never quite good enough.
i live with an all consuming fear that I'll never get anywhere in life.
I'll never study any worthwhile branch of medicine, ill  work in a supermarket forever.
 ill be a failure.
I'll be nothing and I'll die alone.
 i always say I'm cool with dying alone, that if i had a "significant other" of some sort it'd only slow me down. but in reality have a fear of being lonely.
 because in one way or another, I'm always left behind.

anyone else feel like that?

take care
xoxo