Wednesday, 20 April 2011

My Mind is Falling Apart

I currently feel like I'm sitting at my computer watching someone else type.
there was a point earlier where i couldn't get up at all, i was so exhausted.
And yet i cant sleep.
shows you what stress and anxiety can do.
 i got so dizzy stepping out of the shower i almost managed to hit my head on the small set of shelves.

i was thinking earlier about how,-if the clinic people decide i do have a problem- it is just going to add more stress and more anxiety.
even if i have to participate in some sort of therapy it means i will have to miss school.
if I'm in an outpatient program I'll miss even more school.
at least i can assure myself i wont end up in inpatient....i hopes.
any chance one of the few people following me could tell me what happens in assessments in eating disorder clinics?
 i am making up horrible scenarios in my head and its kind of getting out of control.
 I don't remember what happened last time.
i don't think i had any idea what was going on.
I'm really quite scared.
 I'm hating the uncertainty of all this, its driving me crazy. 
 ironically, my reaction to stress is a loss of appetite, causing me to forget eating. for example, today i completely forgot this task until E stated that she was having dinner.
 i kind of feel like my mind is falling apart.
i have no idea what to do anymore.

you know what else is driving me crazy?
 I'm being watched.
 I'm not allowed to exercise, or even go in my room my myself for an extended period of time.
I'm surprised no one insists on being outside the bathroom whilst i shower.
this is getting out of control.

oh and just so you know, none of this is my fucking fault you idiot, if you want someone to blame try your wife before you make me feel like crap.
 you've now left me completely alone here.
 i hope you feel happy you *insert string of profanities here*

take care

No comments:

Post a Comment