the problem with waking at 4am, is it leaves an extensive amount of time for breakdowns in the morning.
I'm sitting here crying like a child because i don't see an end to this.
any of this.
i don't want to die, not yet. i still have to make my life matter first.
i just want everything to stop, just for a little while, so i can just catch my breath.
i don't want to have to worry about: tests, exams, grade averages, food, doctors, my mental state or the rest of the world, for just a bit.
could somebody please remind me why i do this to myself?
you know some thing's up when as soon as you get out of bed in the morning, you randomly collapse in a heap on the floor.
my floor is cold.
my room is so cold it wakes me up at night.
and yet i refuse to plug the heater in because i think my beautiful kitty cat will step on it and hurt herself.
my mother thinks I'm trying to slowly kill myself.
she doesn't want me here anymore because she thinks I'm a bad influence on my younger sister.
i however believe it is good for her to be witness to my crazy.
I'm the living embodiment of everything she shouldn't do.
i think my brother hates me.
and i honestly wouldn't blame him if he did.
i honestly secretly think he's pretty awesome, but i hate the fact he seems to be the perfect son.
I'm pretty sure my grades are better than his (finally!) and yet somehow he's doing better at school....?
i think he now just thinks: " my sisters psycho and there's nothing i can do about it" so he just acts like i don't exist
....until its convenient for him to act as though it was otherwise.
my mother also thinks I'm going to become a hooker. lovely.
anyhoo, take care