What's the Gist Physicist?

time to turn the mood of this blog around. time to turn that frown up side down!

i just received the best how-to-conquer-exam-panic-attack tips from my tutor service.

 good thing they know how to look after their neurotic type A overachieving students :P

I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.....

for the first time in two years I'll be going to see my friend, P on the holidays.

it'll be amazing!

although apparently she is six inches taller than me and has a habit of wearing insanely high heels so we will look an amusing pair :P.

take care

xoxo

Fish Fingers and Custard

good mood today.

weird thing....good moods...very....good

i have my biology exam on friday! final biology exam ever!!!!!

bring it on!

lol,  who would even think of fish fingers and custard?.....

hello again, if anyone is still listening

I'm lonely, and it's so damn pathetic.

i don't know what I'm doing anymore.

"Hello Sweetie ;)"

i have developed an affinity for "Doctor Who?."
I have to say it's pretty brilliant.
Did anyone else cry when River Song married the Doctor?"
oops, spoilers! :P
 it'd be pretty awesome if i could eventually make my own sonic screwdriver.
 my physics class were discussing it, it turned into a full on discussion on the basic principles of sonic thingy-mah-bobs :P.

"I cant let you die, without knowing you are loved, by so many, and so much....and by no one more than me."

is anyone going to miss me when i run?
when i leave it all behind and run to England to study.
is anyone going to care enough to ask me to stay?

take care
xoxo

will the marks always be there to remind me how fucking stupid i was?

on a side not my language seems to be getting worse and worse.....lol....:'(

stupid freaking assessment

i have a SAC in about half an hr...im freaking out and i cant breathe.

ive taken all day to put together my reference sheets but i have no clue what im doing.

stem cells and cloning.

......crap crap crap crap crap. crying and shaking now too....

venting

well guys, its been a while....if anyone still reads my crap anyway....I'm just kind of venting at the moment so forgive me:

its too late to do anything now, so why are you getting mad at me?

its not like you even fucking care.'

 you didn't even notice until someone told you so:

 get.

 over.

 it.

 you have no right to judge me because you have no clue what I've been through

hehe, I Just Needed an Excuse to Show Off my Kitty Cats

My kitties, they loves each-other!

this weekend was actually alright. i caught up with C on Friday night, it was pretty great.

i like how i know that she's been through it all and she gets it.

 i hope she's okay now.

 i worry about her.

i did so much hw this weekend its insane.

probability is a stuuuupid math topic!

i don't really know what else to say.

 i have a clinic appointment tomorrow and i just want to cry.

i also have a doctor's appt there on Wednesday which will be interesting.

i hate this crap!

 I'm so stressed out because of it.

RIP the sufferers of that horrible disaster in Norway.

how stuff like that happens in beyond me. and its seemingly overshadowed by the death of Amy Whinehouse.

although both are sad, Amy is one person.

i miss control, i miss freedom, mostly i miss being able to see E.

 i don't know how I'm going to handle this.

take care

xoxo

Tired and Rambling

saw an epic play today at school. some students from England put it on whilst on some sort of cultural exchange. it was seriously amazing. i wish i was that talented.

my foot hurts. a lot. and i put it down to the weight gain. its horrible.

I'm screwed for my chem test tomorrow, i hate valency and solubility tables. I'm not smart enough, I'm not the best anymore. i never will be again.

i get to catch up with my friend, C, after school tomorrow. which is interesting. it seems my parents have double standards. but it should be nice anyway.

even though i have a massive homework weekend this weekend I'm still excited for it.

i can't wait 'til uni, gosh if i gt in anywhere it will be an amazing feeling. but what does one do if one receives no offers?

school is amazing, but when i come home it takes me less than 10mins t go from absolutely fine, very stable to almost suicidal and crying my eyes out. hmmmm

I'm going to take a shower and go to bed

take care
xoxo

Clothing and Birthday Wishes

today, I'm too emotionally and physically exhausted to blog about my feelings and such, so i decided to blog about clothes that i wish  had the confidence or beauty to wear. first i shall say, happy birthday to my beautiful epic twin E, i don't know what I'd do without you.

i adore Lady Gaga. this dress has been my favorite of hers for a while now. the day i have the courage to wear something like this, i will be amazingly happy.

the shorts are a bit short, maybe if they were longer. or even with skinny jeans. i like this kind of idea although i have no idea why :P

i love this dress, its dainty and sophisticated, quite lovely.

always love a baggy jumper, perhaps not this colour though. although I've always thought my legs needed to be thinner to get away with it

thoughts?

take care
xoxo



Depression (possibly triggering)

I'll be nothing.
I'll end up as a checkout chick forever. i feel like a failure.
 i can only just see my ribs now.... lol its only now i realise how much i still "bone check."
my potassium is low, yet i haven't been doing anything i shouldn't be.
 problem being no one listens to me when i tell them so.
this whole thing is ridiculous because as soon as its over I'm just going to loose the weight again.
 not on purpose, it'll just happen.
 I'm crazy, forgetting things I've just done and shaking permanently.
i cant leave he house and my parents have to chaperon me.
 there have been moments this week that I've actually wanted to die.
 i need to get away from my parents, i would honestly prefer to being hospital than here.
 school will be impossible and that will leave me with no talents, no hobbies,  two or three friends (who i can't see) and an intense feeling of loneliness that i cant shake.

why cant i just have one good run of things in my life....please?

take care
xoxo

haha. welcome back

I'm fat, pathetic, weak, worthless, a freak, broken, lonely, alone, disgusting, gluttonous and selfish

yes, thank you Mr. Voice: i know. i fucking hate you.
please leave me alone

My Brother and My Inability to Measure Up

my brother.

he's an odd one.
he's very smart, very religious, if we weren't related we'd probably maybe perhaps be friends.
 if he didn't live with me.
 i wish we were friends.
 I'm too jealous of him to be his friend :P.
 he's an amazing person, and has helped so many people even at his young age.
 he, however, often does not think very highly of himself.
 its sad.
in so many ways he's everything i wish i was.
he's naturally smart, so he can ace is tests and exams on minimal study.
despite his sometimes low self-esteem, he carries himself with confidence.
 my teachers get disappointed in me when i don't do as well as he did in my exams.
 he manages to get along with my mother, and she adores him.
once i remember he accused me of destroying the family because of my fights with my parents.
 and that hurt me more than anything my parents could ever say.
 I'm slightly disillusioned about him and I'm aware of that.
he's like this allusive form of realistic perfection....if that makes any sense at all.
  i just wish i was more like him.

in the words of one Maria Mena:

"just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy and maybe I'd get there. just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

because I'm never quite good enough.
i live with an all consuming fear that I'll never get anywhere in life.
I'll never study any worthwhile branch of medicine, ill  work in a supermarket forever.
 ill be a failure.
I'll be nothing and I'll die alone.
 i always say I'm cool with dying alone, that if i had a "significant other" of some sort it'd only slow me down. but in reality have a fear of being lonely.
 because in one way or another, I'm always left behind.

anyone else feel like that?

take care
xoxo

Blogger Problems and Rants about Parental Unit

wake. cry eat. cry. shower. sleep. wake. cry. eat. cry. sleep. wake. cry eat. shower cry. Internet. sleep.
gotta love my days these days
ITS E'S BIRTHDAY SOOOOOON!!!!!! OMF SO EXCITED!
 gosh its amazingly awesome!
....I'm running out of epic gift ideas but i think this one will be a good one...
maybe...
i hope!

BLOGGER STILL WON'T LET ME COMMENT!
anyone know how to fix it?

am i missing something?
 arn't people naturally supposed to love their parents.
 i don't feel that draw.
i wish i did, but i find them horrible and bigoted and controlling.
 i feel like my recovery isn't working because of the lack of respect and absence of love for them.
 i don't let them tell me what to do.
 i don't feel like they deserve to "help" me.
i feel like if someone else was "in-charge" even a nurse or medical professional, everything would be so much better.
 but no one listens to me.
 its like I'm a robot, and they can power me down when they want nothing to do with me, and order me around when they feel like they should do something.

sorry for ranting
take care
xoxo

Just Venting....Worthlessness

well this is crap. my parents hate me and this forced "recovery" does not seem to be working.
 i didn't think it was possible to hate myself more than i did before, but apparently it is.
 I'm constantly fighting the urge to throw up.
 this is something i haven't had to do for years.
eating hurts like hell and I'm miserable.
my parents are taking this as an excuse to control me.
 no one at the clinic ever asked me how I'm going so i can only assume that they, too, don't care.
 I'm honestly scared that i will resort to something stupid.
 I'm scared I'll hurt myself, because now every moment of every day I'm truly reminded of how much my parents hate me.
I'm scared the voice will come back....please leave me alone.

I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to complete my homework.
 this whole thing is ruining my life and i just want it to go away.

why does no one listen o me? am i really that worthless.
yes, yes i am.

take care
xoxo

hmmm, what's the point of a title? :P

had an amazing time with E yesterday.
 we lay siege upon the plaza and bought DISNEY MOVIES!
yes we are that epic. 
 and i got a hair-cut FINALLY!
"dishonour, dishonour on your whole family,dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!"
it was great to catch up.
 excited for our upcoming photo shoot -and- it's E's birthday very soon.
 hehe *bounces*

i hope things are working out like they seem.

 you know the times you want to say something, or to bring up something, but have no idea how.
i hate that!
 sometimes it's just so frustrating you almost want to scream.

i have to go to the clinic tomorrow.
i don't need this crap right now. its just in the way and has rocketed my stress levels (ha! who knew that was possible?!)
then i have to stay in the city with my parents...ick, cant i just come home on  a bus or something?
 i don't want to spend more time with them then i have to.

E has got to be the most amazing person ever, to deal with all my crazy crap and still stick around

"you lied to me?! and what are you? a sheep?!"

take care
xoxo

Helpless

don't you just hate that helpless feeling?
 like you'd do anything to make it better, if you only knew how.
you flounder in your head trying to find something, related or not, to say. But then you come up with something so totally idiotic.
 maybe its just me.

R has to go home on Friday, so her last day of school is tomorrow.
poor thing, her mother is ill.
she was in my physics class today, it was pretty great.
i hope she'll be okay when she gets home.

I'm so exhausted its ridiculous.
 i feel nauseated all the time, and like I'm going to pass out.
i just want holidays to come so i can go home and cry in peace.
 I'm so over this whole thing.

to add to this i feel very, very large.
 like I'm in the way. all. the. time. its disgusting.
oh, its okay useless doctor people, you can postpone my appointments to whatever day you like.
its not like i have a life.
or any freaking plans. (footnote: the plans i did have were canceled but that's not the point!)
they need to know not to mess with me, and start being considerate.
 I'm such a bitch but i just don't like them.

take care
xoxo

I am Sodium Acetate

because once i was holding more than i could handle, the addition of one tiny little thing caused all hell to break lose.
(i am aware that sodium acetate merely produces heat and becomes solid :P)

 i have been entered into a treatment program at the clinic that requires i miss, for a start, two days of school next week.
none of this "treatment" crap is going to work because I'm so damn stressed out about the amount of school I'm missing.
i will fail.
 seriously, I'm almost constantly shaking and feeling like I'm about to burst into tears.
 i feel like no one really understands and the doctors just think I'm a little bitch.
 i also find it ironic that the fast majority of the doctors at the clinic appear quite underweight.

on a happier note, R is over as an exchange student from Indonesia for 6 weeks and she is absolutely adorable.
shes so bubbly all the time and our little indo-glish chats with R, myself and M have everyone looking at us a though we are insane.
also, i was wrong, the Malaysia kids don't leave until this Sunday.
 anyway, yeah, R seems to brighten up my day and always seems disappointed when M (who she is staying with and thus whose class she goes to) doesn't have classes with me :)

so thankyou, R :)

i wish E would see how wonderful and amazing she is.
 I've never known someone so deserving of happiness and well being, who just doesn't seem to have it.
its not fair.

take care all
xoxo

This or Nothing? That is the Question

i have to return to the clinic later today.
 I'm so scared i think I'm going to be sick.
i also wasn't allowed to go to school this morning because mum thinks I'm going to pass out down the stairs or something *rolls eyes*

my friends and teacher are going to Malaysia today...
i with i was going with them.
 I'm supposed to be.
 but me, being possibly the biggest idiot on he planet, got myself into this situation, didn't i?

(8) this feels better, than nothing at all (8)
does it really?

I've also decided recently i don't believe in love.
 not the romantic true love kind anyway.
 it just never seems to work out between two people. with 2/3 marriages ending in divorce, whats really the point in the first place?
 love always ends up hurting -someone-.
 its absolutely ridiculous!
 therefore would it just be easier to grow old and die alone?
just not get involved in this twisted institution in the first place?
 probably.

take care
xoxo

Absolutley Worthless

spent most of today on the verge of tears, thinking about how badly i did yesterday....its not very effective when you have to go face biology again first thing in the morning.
to top it all off we began to watch "look both ways" in English.
I'm now glad of two things:
a) my nails are incredibly broken and chipped
b) we only watched about a half hour

or the marks on the back of my hand may have been slightly more difficult to explain.
its been a fair while since I've done that.
 I'm not proud of it, at all.
i think its just all getting to me, though. all at once.
 I'll be the first to admit this is all a bit much really. i know there are people out there who go through so much, and it makes me feel weak to admit it, but it is.

today I've been thinking about how average i am.
below average really, because of my defective body.
 there is nothing remarkable about me.
 nothing people will remember after I'm out of their sight.
 I'm not pretty, or talented.
I'm not witty or entertaining.
 or even that quiet and intriguing soul in the corner of the room
. I'm not smart, although i try to be.

 i am average and therefore, i sometimes believe, i am nothing.

Who the Hell Wants to be Average?

i failed.

I'm defective.

 i fucking failed.

I'm never good enough.

no matter how hard i try it doesn't make a difference.

 i fail.

on a lighter note
" i will continue to wear no pants, even on television, so my grandmother can see me."