The Only Thing Better Than a Unicorn is a Gay Unicorn!

lady gaga is epic!
watching her concert, however, with your insanely christian parents in the room is tre awkward :P.
i am apparently going to the "Born This Way Ball" with M, and we're dressing up
!....hmmm, perhaps not <.<
that aside though, cant wait till the album is released =D

still haven't heard back from the clinic people...
urg!
I'm so over this already, why cant it just be done with?!

hoping to return home early today to study for my Indonesian assessment which is on Friday.
 I've already finished all my physics work and English....is English :P.
 this assessment is freaking me out!
its like my brain refuses to compute what is said to me in Indonesian when in a test situation...
not good for my end of year either.

last night our debate team showed up to the school we were supposed to compete at...on the wrong  night!
muchly frustrating due to the fact i wasted an entire night i could have been studying!

i kind of feel like hiding away today, i don't particularly want to talk to anyone, or do anything at all.

take care
xoxo

i feel like giving up

i just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever.

i don't want to have to deal with the fact I'm overreacting and paranoid.

 i don't want to have the macabre mental pictures of what i want to do to my body.

i don't want to deal with standing in front of the mirror and see it morph in front of my eyes.

 i don't want the pressure of school.

i don't want to be in pain all the time.

It was much pleasanter at home." thought poor Alice, "when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller and being ordered around by mice and rabbits. And yet - it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life!"


i don't want to fail.

 i don't want to be weak.

i don't want to deal with this guilt.

i want to give up.

 I've given up thinking i can do this myself.

 i don't think i can do it at all

Random mostly food/weight related stuff

lol at being given a time-limit in which to devour a mars bar.
 i haven't had chocolate in quite a while.
 i forgot how rich it was. i think i feel ill....
but i don't know....
i don't trust my body anymore.

i got the biggest leg cramp earlier, i used to get them all the time, i haven't in a while.
 my mother has stolen my painkillers.
at one point it got so bad i was swearing at myself.
 i think my pain tolerance has gone down incredibly, i bitch about it all the time :P

i have my biol class tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited...
god I'm a nerd.
also also also, i get to see E, which is the most exciting :)

oh my fish....i just found out beavers are used in vanilla ice cream. good god kill me.

oh thanks mother, I've officially gone from 99lbs to 105lbs.
 i liked 99, 99 was a nice weight.
not dangerously thin, a nice balance between being nice and easy to walk, and making not (i forgot that word the first time 'round...oooops) my bmi low enough to seriously worry anyone.

 you see, my mother is making me eat what she does. she is obese according to her bmi....
so lady, do you really want to make me miserable?

Jamie's food revolution is making me cry...i actually know now I'm about to be sick. officially vegetarian again, don't give a damn what anyone says. people are disgusting.

we had an English outcome today.....
"death was almost tangible in the room. it twirled her hair between its wispy black fingers, it caressed her face and enveloped her body. death was Josie's friend. One day soon, Chelsea knew now, it would take Josie's pain away."

what's wrong with my eyes?

i actually have no idea what I've even said in this blog post...at all.

exactly how much can you take away, before it all falls apart?

take care
xoxo

*sigh*

hey all
god i sound like my mother....ewwww :P
anyhoo
@Love: thank you...i wish i could believe you but it made me smile when you said that.
@Kitten: you have to say that beautiful, that's what epic twins are for. that aside I'll always love you too

so so so: I've decided that if i don't get into orthotics and prosthetics here, I'm willing to go all the way to the UK if they'll take me there.
 i did some research on the University of Strathclyde, and sadly enough that's the closest prosthetics and orthotics course after here.
 i sent out some enquiries to find out what id have to do to get in, so we'll see how that goes. anyone here from there?
i think its in Glasglow.

talked to a friend, L, today.
 you wouldn't think from knowing her but
 a) she's been through a whole heap and
b) she's really good with the serious stuff, you know, the kind of stuff that you really don't want to tell anyone.
of course my full on melt down in the morning did warrant a sort of explanation i guess.....
she gave me this great idea though: if worst comes to worse i can go inpatient and have my lessons taped for me, and sent/bought in.

a compromise i can strike with my mother could possibly be (this is absolute worst case scenario):
my final year lessons are taped and bought in, leaving me with only two classes to balance with therapy.
 the next year ill return to school, repeating my four other classes from this year and then progressing in 2013 to do the final year subjects I've already planned.
 it almost seems like a better plan than what I've got going at the moment :P

i had a really, really frightening and disturbing dream when i came home from school...
i was going to tell you about it buuuuuut.....
perhaps not the best idea.

i wish i could just take tomorrow off, and pick up the pieces of my brain and body from the floor, warm up my still freezing body, and study for my mock exams.
 which i discovered today are merely 2 or 3 weeks away.....
as i say this i realise i have an English assessment tomorrow,
crap crap crap crap crap.

I'm going to go and hide now....i have to study tomorrow morning

take care
xoxo

Let Me Go

I want to sleep forever, i never ever ever want to wake up. i burst into tears this morning simply because i did wake up.
why?
 why do i deserve to sleep?
i don't deserve it.
i don't deserve any of the good i have, yet I'm so weak i cannot handle the bad.
i am seriously the biggest waste of space, and money, and time, and resource i have ever seen.
people don't even want to be around me anymore because I'm "never happy" so if people don't want to be around me what's really the point?
 i just wish they would all leave me alone, so i can study at school.

its so cold my hands are shaking...
i just want to crawl back into bed in my heated room and cry myself back to sleep.
 but i cant, i have freaking indo today...oh that's just an insult.

i hate Indonesian class, why is it so goddamn hard?
I've come to the conclusion I've deluded myself my entire life and I'm actually really, really stupid.
I'm seriously panicking at the moment because i know i have a double today.
see/?
 i cant even handle a simple class.

take care
xoxo

Just Scared Now

my stomach hurts, I'm tired, anxious and upset.
I'm fighting with my mum and my dad wont help me.
my sister called me chubby and my brother would better like to pretend i don't exist.
 i feel like I'm about to throw up.
however if i do that no matter what i say they'll think its on purpose...its kind of sad that they would almost be justified in jumping to that conclusion.
` i know i don't see what the rest of them see, but i know what -i- see cannot be real....
a person with a bmi of 16.1 cannot have rolls of fat
...and yet i do.

sometimes when i go to bed at night I'm scared when i wake up in the morning you wont be there.
your the most amazing, beautiful person i know.
the problem being you don't know just how truly unique and wonderful you are.
 i feel kind of useless and pathetic because i have no idea what to do.
it hurts me to know that part of you doesn't care, because it means that you don't think you matter.
i hate thinking that i sit there bitching about my problems when your hurting.
i hate thinking there is nothing i can do.
i hate thinking that in 10 minutes i will be forced to go to bed by a screaming uncaring mother, and i wont sleep because i cant shake the feeling that something bad will happen.
 your wonderful, your amazing, your awesome, your unique, i love you and i wish there was more i could do
....i wish something i would do or say would matter

take care
xoxo

Just Tired and Upset

well...one day of school this week and I'm already exhausted. still waiting on the letter for the clinic.
 actually: i got the mother of all eating disorder inquisitions last night.
seriously, if i haven't told you already I'm not going to tell you now.

much thought has been put into the slightly unconventional things i may be addicted to/obsessed with tonight...it makes me uncomfortable.

stressed out about school but seriously too tired to study.
 I'll just have to get up majorly early tomorrow morning to do some extra study.

thinking too much is bad...
.i also realised today, that my required atar is possibly much higher than i thought it was, so now I'm majorly stressed again.
also, the course i want is the only one of its kind in the whole Australian/Asian region, it only takes 30-40 students per year.

gah! i don't know what to do anymore.
I'm also too tired to reread this blog post to make sure all my ideas are in order. i
 don't think i know half of whats going on.
 i also feel like I'm about to burst into tears... :'( 
I'm just weak i guess.
take care
xoxo